We can have so many joys and regrets in our lives.

Bronnie Ware wrote a book on “The top five regrets of the dying”. One of the regrets she found was that they often wished they had the courage to express their feelings. So often we bottle up our feelings and think we can maybe, fully express ourselves another day. Will that day ever arise or are we meant to seize the day today, everyday.

Expressing a feeling does not have to be hurtful or painful to another. Expressing feelings can be kind, generous and simply practical. Expressing a feeling helps us to understand how we ourselves feel, something we so often forget to do.

If you do anything today, express at least one feeling not just to yourself but to another. Expressing your feelings is about living and savouring your interpretation of the life you are living. The other four regrets she found were wishing they had chosen to be happier, work less, being more authentic and stayed in touch with friends.

Ware, B., 2012. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, Hay House UK.

 ©2012  Yaz.

I hope you find this helpful:

I imagine that music plays many roles in your life as it does in mine. It allows others to have a sense of who we are and what we believe. Consider the ways that music has influenced your life. Music has the power to shift our feelings from joy to sorrow in a split second. It can bring us back to memories we forgot we had or act as a muse and bring us forward to the world we have yet to create. Music has many purposes and abilities. It can be used for healing and communication as both Don Campbell and Tom Kenyon mentor us. They both have schools that teach ways of using one’s voice for healing. There are degrees in Music Therapy offered at many Universities.

American Indians and many African and South American Shamans have been using the drumbeat for centuries to elevate shamans to other dimensions. Yes music is a very powerful source. So the next time you are sitting with your partner, or by yourself for that matter, and you want to change your mood, feelings, or thoughts, just listen to music and notice the difference in your body mind and spirit!

Music can be a beautiful form of meditation, as I speak about in this video:

Often we define ourselves by our relationships; we believe something is wrong with us if we do not keep our friends for life.  What I have learned is that relationships come and go throughout our lives. When someone dies, leaves us, moves away or becomes estranged, it can feel confusing, sad, overwhelming, we might feel a bit lost for a time. The loss of the relationship is an opportunity for us to grow and get in touch with our authentic selves; to learn and understand that we are not our relationships.

In all relationships there is some degree of dependency. Whether it is your relationship with your life-partner, mother, father, sibling, friend.  When a relationship ends, you will find yourself forced to undertake tasks that the other person used to do; or perhaps you will be taking care of their will. In all cases with loss comes new experiences, some enjoyable some scary, some just a nuisance. What is wonderful is that it is through these tasks that a new sense of self will evolve.

Whenever we let go of someone a psychological death occurs and we want to allow ourselves to grieve for our loss. Death comes in many forms; it may be an aspect of ourselves, our youthful qualities, our health, or a dream that is no more.  Or it may be a relationship that is ended by death or distance.

With every death there is rebirth; something of value is growing inside us. How we react to the constant changes that occur in our lives through our relationships is probably the only aspect of a relationship that we have choice about.

When we are in a committed relationship our confusion with boundaries becomes most evident. It can be quite confusing. Is it okay if I tell my partner what I think? Will I be invading their space? How come I get upset when my partner tells me what he/she thinks? If I want something done a certain way am I invading my partner’s boundaries? These questions can go on and on. Understanding our own boundaries is quite complex and worth the effort. 

I have noticed that all working relationships have some degree of haze surrounding the boundaries of the persons within it. Relationships are alive and the people in them often overlap in order to achieve comfortable levels of intimacy. Relationships take on a life of their own separate and apart from the I or the you.

The question many of us ask, is how can I tell if I am getting lost within the life of my relationship? And yet some of us do keep our sense of self and do not get lost in the forest of our relationship. While others forget to leave breadcrumbs when they go into a relationship and so they get lost. 

What prevents us from maintaining our identity in a relationship? Perhaps we did not have a clear sense of self when we went into a relationship and so the relationship became whom we are. It is possible to lose your sense of self-while in relationship if you are trying to accommodate the other person.

It may be time for you to look for your I.

In all relationships there is some melding of identity. Understanding and knowing your own boundaries will allow you to know yourself and who your partner is with clarity.

The void that we as humans feel cannot be filled by ‘things’. As corny as it sounds and it does to some degree sound corny to me, John Lennon, Rumi and many others may have been correct in that love is the answer.

We strive to be the best at everything and pass this down to our children. While pregnant, before our potential children have taken their 1^st breath, we are competing for them to be in the best pre-schools. To be the best, to own the most, and still those that do, are not happy. So what are we doing wrong?

Rumi the 13th century poet said: “There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you?”

The void is part of who we as humans are. What I come across over and over again are people who are in search of meaning. Wishing to understand one’s purpose on earth; to achieve something that will make us think we have fulfilled a purpose. To fill the emptiness of not knowing, not understanding so much about how we came to be here and why, we turn to religions, consuming, gambling, drugs, over-eating; all in an attempt to fill the void of our not ‘knowing’ how to just be. To breathe in and smile with the exhale, to live in a house that serves our needs rather than our ego’s, with an Eco-friendly car.

Allowing ourselves to stop feeling and acting greedy, to live with what we actually need rather than feeding our ego’s and the illusion that we can fill the void by consuming. The void can only be filled with love. By letting go of greed we will and can develop compassion and empathy for others. That homeless person on the street, whom we just drove or walked by; perhaps we can share with him/her a bit of our abundance. To share, to think in terms of the ‘us’ rather than the ‘I’. Carl Jung, speaks of the collective unconscious and many people believe this happens after one dies. I think it can happen while we are alive…it is about the ‘us’. Peace within and without is possible when we fill the void with love.

I have seen some people avoid their feelings by dating constantly or drinking or drugging. I have seen others plummet into despair for periods of time. It is natural to miss the warmth, friendship, financial security, and sex you had or hoped you would have.

If you have children parenting becomes much more challenging as your role does change and the frequency that you will spend time with your children will change as well. Questions like when do I introduce my children to the person I am dating will arise and possibly cause you anxiety, as there is no ‘right’ answer, only better ones.

Divorce is often one of life’s most stressful experiences. I refer to divorce as a mini-death. In some ways it is more challenging than a ‘real’ death in that the person you have separated from, possibly feel abandoned by, is alive. If you have had children together you will be seeing your X for the rest of your life. This for many is re-wounding, especially if you are unable to forgive yourself and you’re X for the divorce. It is common for both parties to have feelings of failure regardless of who initiated the divorce.

On the positvite side, a divorce can be a time of discoving yourself again, creating new relationships, learning and growing. In order to move forward taking responsibility for your part in the divorce rather than blaming your X for it is paramount. As well as, allowing yourself to grieve your loss and honor your feelings. Then you will be in a space to grow into your new life, the one you will create out of joy. The life you used to dream about having when you were married and unhappy but always thought you could not create it. 

Making decisions are important because how you make the decision and of course what decision you make will influence the quality of your life and happiness.

What makes decisions a challenge for many of us is that there is a lack of certainty with most decisions. Each decision is a risk.

How can you help yourself know the best decisions to make? Reminds me of the scare crow in the film ‘The wizard of Oz’, at every cross roads he would just trust his heart, swing his arms and walk; but not all of us are comfortable with this approach. Another way to begin is by making an analysis of the situation. Based on the knowledge and circumstances of the moment, weigh the pros and the cons of each possibility and then ask yourself these questions:

• Will this decision reflect my personal values?
• What is my body telling me about this decision (excited, tense, relaxed)?
• Do I feel great about the direction this decision is taking me?

By doing this you will be considering your actions and insuring that you are acting from your best intentions. If after you have made a decision, you notice that it’s taking you in a direction you don’t desire, you can stop, re-evaluate and make a different decision that will take you in the direction you prefer to go.

Consider that Relationships live in the ‘Space-Between’ you and your partner? The space that  often you can feel but do not see. This is the space where your children are, the space where they grow up and learn values.

Have you ever wondered what happens in this space when you yell at your partner, or belittle him/her? And the effect negative behaviors have upon  your children’s development?

So, how can you keep the ‘Space-Between’ safe for your partner and for your children?

Creating a Safe ‘Space-Between’

• Communicate safely and effectively with each other.
• Building trust and intimacy
• Be willing to hear and actively listen to what your partner has to say
• Value your partners point of view
• Respect your partners feelings
• Show empathy towards your partner
• Show appreciation for what your partner does
• Respect your partners point of view

Leave the following in another room:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness – Defense is the 1^st act of war
• Stonewalling
• Resentments

The ‘Space-Between is thriving when you have:

• Affection in Public
• Passion in Private
• Fidelity
• Quality Time Together
• Confiding
• Mutual Interests/Activities
• Shared Decision-Making
• Shared Housework
• Shared Parenting

Mind creates the world;

what you see arises with your thoughts.

If you speak and act with a confused mind,

trouble will follow you as certainly
as a cart follows the ox that pulls it.

Mind creates the world;
what you see arises with your thoughts.

If you speak and act with a clear mind,
happiness will follow you as certainly
as your own shadow in sunlight.

“It’s his fault.” “She shouldn’t have done that.”
Believe such thoughts, and you live in resentment.

“It’s his fault.” “She shouldn’t have done that.”
Question such thoughts, and you live in freedom.

Anger teaches anger.
Fear results in more fear.
Only understanding can lead to peace.
This is the ancient law.