Category: inspiration

Finding Happiness After a Breakup

The ending of a long-term relationship can leave you feeling abandoned, resentful, or angry especially if you were on the receiving end of the breakup.  Breakups can create feelings of rejection and a sense of, humiliation, despair, and despondency, however you don’t have to feel these uncomfortable emotions forever.  There are ways to recover and move on with the your life, despite the breakup, you can find happiness again, give yourself time.

First and foremost, be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve.  Short-cutting the grieving process will only haunt you.  Unresolved grief can cause prolonged depression and/or anger, which can simmer and erupt when you least expect.  Give yourself the chance to feel the pain; ignoring it creates an elephant in the room effect.  Facing painful emotions is like staring down a fear, you need to confront it to overcome it. You have experienced a loss, not just a physical loss also an emotional loss, someone you trusted and love.  Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup, you might still have to work through the grieving process, as you let go of one life preparing for another.

Be kind to yourself, treat yourself like a best friend; remember that you are still here, your wants are important, don’t ignore the need for food, rest, and companionship.  Take it easy, rather than beating yourself up by rehashing old arguments or thinking that you could have saved the relationship if you did this or were more of that. Take some time to nurture yourself, take hot baths, read, play music that makes you happy, buy flowers for your house, set your living space up the way you want it to be.  Foster healing through alternative holistic methods such as massage therapy, Reiki, or Acupuncture, take restorative yoga classes.

Surround yourself with loving positive friends and family, people you can have a laugh or a cry with, people who are there for you without judgment.  Be honest with them about your feelings.  If you live far away from these supportive folks, call them; take a trip and visit if you can.  Be cautious of people who try to take advantage of your vulnerability, you don’t need to beg for attention or affection nor do you need to bargain.  Seek out honest, forthright friends that will hold space for you while you heal. Stay emotionally and physically safe when you are feeling susceptible.  During recovery from a breakup, often people run into the arms of a stranger, just because they don’t want to be alone, be wary of that behavior as it rarely leads to a healthy relationship. Stay single for a bit until you’ve worked through the healing process.

Go out with people that make you laugh, find or foster those platonic relationships that leave you smiling.  Laughter is extremely healing physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It lowers your blood pressure, relieves stress and helps you connect with others.

Move, get out and walk, dance or ride a bike. Physical exercise has a cathartic effect, releasing those endorphins that increase your sense of well-being. Sitting around the house, being sedentary can exacerbate feeling bad about yourself and your life.  Holing up on the couch watching endless Netflix movies will only make you feel stiff and slow your circulation. Getting out and exercising, flushes fresh blood through the body, slows the breathing, and quiets the mind all while keeping your body healthy and improving your self-esteem.

Spend time figuring out what it is you want.  Write down how you want your life to look, don’t censor yourself, write without monitoring what is possible.  Do you crave more time in nature, would you like to allow for more creative time, do you want to travel?  Then go down the list and begin to do some of those activities or at least plan for them.  Always wanted to go to Australia but your partner never did, now is the time to splurge, count your pennies and take the trip.  Begin to rebuild your life the way you want, let go of what was and focus on what is and what can be. Reinvent yourself from the pool of personal passions and desires.  Take dance lessons, or that job in the city; start to say yes to you.

Before long, the misery of the breakup will be behind you.  Celebrate that you have come through the fire, you have not just survived, you are happy and most likely a better more wholesome version of yourself.  Realize that the breakup as painful and awful as it was, taught you something about your resilience, your ability to heal, then open your arms and let happiness back in.


Sound Heals

If you have ever been lulled by the rustling of wind through the trees or relaxed on the sand listening to waves lap the shore, you’ve experienced the healing aspect of sound.  Perhaps in the morning as you awake you hear the birds singing and it causes you to smile, to feel safe, to ponder the gifts of life.

Notice how particular songs, rhythms, or melodies have the power to lift and renew your spirits. Other sounds or vibrations can be irritating or cause you to lose focus, the unrelenting sound of a jackhammer for example.  Sound has the power to set an emotional mood, be it romantic, sultry, festive, or relaxing.

Sound has been utilized as a healing modality for thousands of years in a myriad of cultures.  Many indigenous people use drums, flutes, spiritual songs, chants, and rhythms to promote health and healing.

Simple physics tell us that everything has its own sound or vibration and resonance, that the frequency in which it moves varies.  Although we can’t hear the music of a wood table or a rock their molecules are moving, they have an energy that is creating vibrations, sounds.

Part of PTSD from being in battles is from the constant barrage of noise.  Even pets respond to bad vibrational sounds such as fireworks, gunshots or loud squealing of tires.  When a person is overexposed to abrasive sounds, this wreaks havoc on the nervous system, which in turn can cause dis-ease.

Good vibrations or soothing sounds, on the other hand, calms and comforts us. In an article The Healing Power of Sound, Karen Olson describes how sound therapy can heal everything from headaches to chronic pain. Diane Mandler, a certified sound healer in California, writes that her clients obtain: “relief from pain and discomfort, clearing of sinuses, shifting out of depression, [improved] ability to sleep . . revitalization and clarity, feeling of well-being, great connectedness, and deep personal transformation.”  Using Tibetan singing bowls; Mandler believes these healing sounds and vibrations bring the body back to balance. Sound medicine ascertains that realigning your vibrations will keep you physically and mentally healthy.

How exactly does sound heal?  The healing quality or vibration in particular sounds resets or synchronizes with our brainwaves, allowing us to quiet the mind.  Similar to meditation where the breath is the vehicle, healing sounds allow the fluctuating brainwaves to find a steady vibration that takes you into a relaxed state of being.  When your body is in harmony it is able to heal. Sound healing can allow stuck energy to flow again by penetrating blockages.

Children respond to soft, soothing sounds as well.  Take a crying baby outside (if it is peaceful of course) and watch as they stop and listen to the wind, the birds.  A roomful of rowdy toddlers can be tamed with a bit of relaxing music or singing.

Learn to be aware of sound in your life. If you live in an urban environment, you may be overly exposed to the squeal of subways, the constant roar of traffic, the buzz of never-ending conversations or people’s music, which may be abrasive. Just like being mindful of your diet or getting enough exercise, being aware of noise is essential to your well-being.  Carve out time to close your eyes and listen to healing music; Spotify and Pandora both have a plethora to choose from.

Try a sound therapist if you have insomnia, migraines, or chronic pain as a way to heal. Seek out natural sounds as often as you can, and let the healing vibrations bring you back to balance.


Saying Good-bye

Whether it’s saying good-bye to a friend who is moving, a child going off to school, or parents who were visiting for the holidays, regardless of the scenario, saying farewell is hard.  It can elicit feelings of loss, sadness, and melancholy that can stop you in your tracks, at least temporarily. You may experience old feelings of abandonment or separation anxiety. Know that all of these emotions, although uncomfortable, are perfectly normal. Here are a few suggestions that may help.

Let yourself be in the moment with your feelings, acknowledge them knowing you are not alone in coping with good-byes, everyone experiences them.  Give yourself a day or two to notice your emotions and give yourself room to breathe. When we stuff feelings they tend to lasts longer and can fester causing you to feel prolonged grief or sadness. You may choose to lighten your work load for the first day or two giving yourself permission to take it easy. Listen to music that soothes you, talk to friends that are comforting and kind and that can relate to those good-bye blues.  Be honest with yourself and others about how you’re feeling rather than putting on a mask and parading around as if you’re absolutely fine.

Plan how you will stay in touch with the person, you can do this ahead of time. Eventually you’ll look forward to those letters, skype sessions or phone calls, as they will enrich your sense of connection.  Send cards out on a regular basis, the old fashion snail mail way. Recall the delight you get when receiving something happy in the mail, such as a thinking of you card and start a tradition with the people you said good-bye to.

Take a walk or do a home yoga practice, allowing your body to move can help you process feelings.  Getting outside in nature can lift your spirits and renew your sense of well-being. Breathe and remember all of the joy and happiness you experienced with the person or situation you are missing.  Smile and recognize the value of healthy happy relationships in your life and the gift of change. We could attempt to dodge loss if we never loved or took risks, but what sort of life is that?

Try journaling your feelings.  Sit down and write in a notebook or on the computer (whichever feels right for you) and pour your emotions onto the page, uncensored.  Getting feelings out, literally, can help put them into perspective. Write down all of your feelings, the happy, the sad, the confused, the silly and don’t stop until you have them all out.  If you are saying good-bye to a child going off to college or moving away, compile a list of all of the wonderful things you want to remember. Listing can help you sort through feelings as writing helps you declutter your mind, it lightens the load.

Draft a poem or write a song or draw a painting about your feelings.  Some of our greatest creativity can stem from loss.  You don’t have to be professionally in the arts to create, simply allow your emotions to evoke a piece of art.  It can be a profound process that may open up the artist within.

Give yourself time to readjust.  All of us get into patterns and routines or we take for granted that a particular person (whether at work or home) will always be there, till they’re not.  We are disrupted and forced to deal with a different experience. Set small achievable goals like changing your sheets or cleaning a bathroom—avoid making major decisions or tackling big project until your feelings of sadness have subsided.    

Although you can’t avoid the pain of saying good-bye, you can be proactive in how you cope.  Throughout your life there will be plenty of hellos and good-byes, recognize this is a reflection of the rich tapestry of loving caring relationships that fill your life and those around you.  

 


Setting Goals

Around this time each year, we’re facing the fact that our New Year’s Resolutions may not be as achievable as we once thought. In fact, nearly 92% of people don’t achieve New Year’s Resolutions. It’s not because people aren’t motivated, and it’s not because the resolutions they set weren’t “good enough.” Most people believe they are motivated, and their resolutions are based in wonderful ideas of self-improvement. We genuinely want to work toward personal growth and to start building the life we want. So why is it so difficult to achieve goals?

The reason we find it so difficult to achieve goals stems from how we set them.

When we set goals, we often are focused on a few things:

  • What we’ve heard works for other people.
  •  An arbitrary threshold to meet.

Usually, we aren’t even aware that we’re doing this. Some examples are:

  • We decide we want to lose 15 pounds, although there is no basis for the number “15” – it’s just one we chose.
  • We set a goal to go to yoga three times a week, although we’re not sure if three times will be enough or too much/too few times to
    practice and gain benefits.
  • We’ve read an article, blog post, or book that’s inspired a goal – like running a certain distance, saying three things we like about our partner each day, etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these goals. They’re wonderful! However, if they do not resonate with you or hold meaning for you, then they’ll be significantly harder to achieve.

Focus on the Outcome You Want to Achieve – Then Set a Goal

Instead of setting difficult goals for yourself, and feeling deflated when you find they’re harder to work towards than you thought they’d be, let’s try something different. Focus on the outcome first, then set the goals you’d need to achieve to reach that desired outcome. The “outcome” you’re working toward likely isn’t tangible. Although your goal is to lose weight, the desired outcome is increased self-esteem and better physical and emotional health. Focusing on the life changes you want and setting goals that lead to those changes will help you to stick with them. Once you have decided upon an outcome, set goals that can be measured.

For example, you might want to feel more connected to your partner. A goal that could help you achieve that feeling would be to commit to a once-a-week coffee date outside of the home where you catch each other up on what’s going on in your lives. You may already have these conversations casually but setting aside dedicated time can help you feel connected.

Setting goals does not have to be a stressful process. By focusing on what you want your life to look like as a first step, the goals you want to stick to will fall naturally into place.


All About Feelings

Feelings are a tricky thing. There’s a lot of talk out there about getting in touch with them, understanding where they stem from, and knowing when and how to communicate them effectively. However, this can be hard to do if you’re not sure where to begin your journey toward emotional awareness.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

We live in a world that values positivity. Everywhere you look, you see signs reading “positive vibes only.” There are hundreds of books and articles available to us that focus on how to find happiness, joy, satisfaction in your work, and everlasting love. But we’re rarely armed with the information we need to understand, process, and communicate negative emotions.

As you’re working to be more emotionally aware, it’s important to understand that sometimes you’ll experience negative feelings – and that’s okay. The sooner we acknowledge those feelings, understand where they’re coming from, and talk about them honestly, the sooner we’ll be able to feel “okay” about not feeling “okay.”

Do You Know What You’re Feeling?

Another common thing we do when looking at our feelings is to mis-name them. We may feel content but call it happy. We may feel annoyed and call it angry. Generalizing specific emotions can be harmful, and it puts you at a disadvantage when trying to better understand how you feel (and why you feel that way).

Next time you’re experiencing a feeling (positive or negative), describe it inwardly. Be as specific as possible. For example, if you’re having a rough morning, and feel as though everything’s working against you to get out the door to work, you may think you feel angry. But are you?

More than likely, you’re experiencing many feelings simultaneously. You may feel annoyed that your alarm clock didn’t go off, hurt that your significant other didn’t wake you when they noticed you weren’t out of bed at your usual time, frustrated that you can’t find your keys – there are many different feelings happening all at once, and each are caused by something else.

Communication Is Key

Once you start taking time to truly give a name to each feeling you experience, you’re better prepared to communicate them to the people
around you. When entering these conversations, especially with loved ones, it’s important to remain honest and calm. Know that you are not your feelings. If you feel hurt by a partner, communicate that while you’re not always hurt, you feel that way right now.

Embracing the idea that feelings are moments that come and go can help you to express how you feel without boiling over or pushing others away. You can also be open about why you feel a certain way. This can often help couples reach a sense of understanding with one another and accept each other’s feelings without judgement. It can also help to reduce negative feelings toward one another in the future.


Living on Your Own

More and more lately I see and hear about people who are choosing to live on their own. Some of these people have never been in a long-term
relationship (or married). They have elected to live on their own – and not engage in a romantic relationship, or even the kind of friendship that could evolve into a living situation. They often have a significant person in their life and choose not to live together. While others have ‘friends with benefits’ to satisfy their sexual desires. There are many options.

Living on your own can be a time of immense self-discovery, self-love, and positive independence. Conversely, living with a significant other can be a time of deep connection, learning, and growing while becoming closer to someone you care about. Imago relationship theory is based on the premise that we grow best by being in a relationship. That only in a relationship with a significant other can we heal any childhood wounds that we may have and grow fully.

There are positives in both situations, and only you can determine what living situation is healthiest for you physically, emotionally, and mentally. Exploring the positive and negative elements of living alone will help you decide what is best for you.

Living alone has some significantly positive psychological benefits.

  • It encourages independence and self-sufficiency.
  • It promotes interior solitude.
  • It helps to reduce your feelings of loneliness by building up your capacity to be alone.
  • Solitude can help to restore and reenergize you.
  • There is less chance for uncomfortable conflict when you can keep your home anyway you like.

While living alone can be peaceful (and you’ll never argue over what you’re having for dinner, or what music you listen to), it has a few negative aspects to consider.

  • You may miss the companionship of sharing a space with another
    individual.
  • When you are in a relationship, you can either be in the relationship
    or you can be right – you cannot be both. Living alone allows you to
    be – and always stay – “right.” There is nobody in your space to
    challenge your beliefs.
  • The kind of sharing, that comes from living with and building
    relationships with people we care about is something that comes with
    practice. Living with a significant other can help us build these
    internal connections.

There comes a time in all our lives when living on our own is appealing, usually when we graduate high school. It may even be necessary for a time while we grow to be comfortable on our own, and in our own skin. It can be helpful in developing a sense of independence, or it can help us find joy in simply being.

On the other hand: conflict and compromise often are what help us stretch and grow into the very best version of ourselves. The truth is, there is no right answer as to whether you want to live with a roommate or partner, or on your own. Both situations come with drawbacks, but both present you with opportunities to grow and learn more about who you are as an individual.

So, what do you do? My suggestion: embrace where you are in life. Listen to your own heart, and confidently go in the direction that will provide you with what you need right now. You deserve to be joyful and to find a deeper, truer version of you – find a living situation that allows you space to do just that.


Find Your Inner Artist

We all have an inner artist just waiting to emerge and be appreciated. Even if you don’t feel that you’re innately creative, there is something inside all of us yearning to build and create. Many hobbies can be considered “creative” – even if they’re not typically sorted into an artistic category or subject matter.

You may be an engineer, sales person, or developer. In these cases, you may develop code for software programs, build relationships with clients, or create pieces of technology that many of us could never even fathom. You may be a parent, a friend, or a romantic partner. In these cases, you’re creating habits with your growing children, nurturing a strong and supportive network, and building a line of communication between yourself and your partner. Expressing your creativity manifests in all areas of your life. You are always growing and creating, no matter who you are, whether you realize it or not.

It’s important that we tap into this inner creative personality of ours – we all deserve to find our inner artist and nurture them. Luckily, there are countless activities we can engage in that help us on the path of artistry
and creation.

A few ideas might be:

  • Break out the paints or colored pencils and create something beautiful. Whether it’s abstract art, or you paint something realistic – you’re working the creative side of your brain. It doesn’t matter whether your final product is perfect. Perfection is not the goal –
    allowing your creativity to flow is.
  • Dance like nobody’s watching to your favorite song. Allow your body to move freely around the room, and imagine any tension you’re feeling being released from your body.
  • Build something with your hands. Whether you enjoy woodwork, pottery or you want to put together the dresser you ordered last week – it’ll feel good to pour your energy into something physical and to see a standing, finished product when you’re done.
  • Write something. Anything. Whether you’re journaling or jotting down a poem, writing something will jog your creative juices and keep them flowing.

Finding creativity is a beautiful thing – what are your favorite ways of being creative?


Age is Just a Number

I was meditating recently when I had an incredible realization – I am ten years younger than I actually am. Of course, this realization was unusual. It’s not as though I have the ability to turn back time, or to jump back ten years to relive the past decade. But still, the thought came over me and I couldn’t shake it. And you know what? The oddest thing happened.

I felt amazing for the rest of the day. There was a renewed energy in my thoughts and actions. I felt physically and emotionally better. It almost felt like, well, I was ten years younger.

That’s when it occurred to me – lately I have been dwelling on the idea of my best years being behind me. During my meditation, I realized this doesn’t have to be true. Age is just a number.

Society often assigns negative or positive connotations to our age. We take
these societal ideas to heart – feeling hurt or somehow less than we once were as the years go by. As this isn’t a positive way of looking at things, realize that; you are as youthful, joyful, and content as you believe you are. You are in full control of how you feel – both about your body, your mind, and your life. Your physical age doesn’t need to have an impact on how you view yourself.

Many people use their age to measure themselves, or their success in life. Instead, we should reframe how we view ourselves (and our win’s – big and small). If we are content with ourselves, with where we’re at in life, our age has no bearing on that. If we’re not content with where we’re at – whether we’re young or old – we have the power to change things.

No matter how many years we have behind or ahead of us, they’re all equally wonderful. Let’s celebrate each one.


Hope

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.            

                                                                             ….Martin Luther King Jr.

As 2017 is coming to a close, you may recall the highs and lows of the year and wonder where on earth the time went.  During the hectic holiday season, it is easy to get swooped up by the current of celebrations that can at times feel overwhelming, but perhaps take a moment to step back to the banks of what this all represents.  What do all of the ceremonies and traditions mean to you?  Obviously, that answer is unique and personal, but regardless of different perspectives the current of hope connects us all.  

Whether you participate in Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or simply enjoy the seasonal lights, trees and decorations, the concept of hope resounds. One of the reasons many people participate in traditions is because they believe they’re important for renewing a sense of belonging and restoring hope for the future.  Many traditions are meant to be a respite for the modern world, to step back and reconnect with loved ones.  But what if you don’t feel hopeful despite the festivities?  Maybe you are burned out from a stressful career, a break up, or an aging parent who now needs you? It is possible to renew your sense of hope amid despair or challenges.

First of all, hope is essential to human beings for survival.  Hope is blind to difference it is not dependent on social status or income, it is not reserved for the few–it is a birthright.  One-way to jumpstart your hope is to set simple achievable goals.   Rather than laboring over a grandiose list, take baby steps.  Maybe you want to take the holiday celebrations down a notch or two, you want to switch out the pressure of gift giving for volunteering or getting together for a pot luck and a silly gift exchange or you want to reemphasize the spiritual.  Find a step-by-step way to achieve the goal. Invite friends, keep it simple and let others contribute.  You will probably be surprised how many people are happy and grateful, this in turn gives you hope that change is always possible.  You can revise the status quo.

Perhaps you want to go back to college in the next year or find a new job.  Begin to talk to the counselors or department heads, learn everything you can about different programs that appeal to you and set a date to start the application process.  If change in career is what you’re after, take a step in that direction, talk to others find out what you need to get started.  Hope will revive when you picture your possibilities, then as you begin to do things towards that goal, hope like oxygen to a fire, will fuel itself.  

In the book “The Anatomy of Hope.” Dr. Jerome Groopman, found that researchers discovered the power of hope to change the chemistry of your brain. “Belief and expectation are the key elements of hope. When people experience hope, they can block pain by releasing the brain’s endorphins.”

Surround yourself with people that believe in you, that give you hope and sincere positive reinforcement. Stay clear of chronic naysayers, particularly if you are on the mend to building your hope back up. Repeat hope mantras such as, “I can” daily.  Post sticky notes that restate your right to hope, to become, to believe in whatever you want.  Words and thoughts are powerful, by surrounding your psyche with positive people and mental images, hope will bloom and cheer you to the finish line.

As the holiday season continues, take a moment to remember that with each setting sun comes a sunrise and we are reminded that with hope, all things are possible.   


Small Acts of Self-Care

Starting to incorporate self-care into your routine can positively impact your outlook, productivity, self-perception, and interactions with others. But during busy seasons of life it may feel like a challenge to set aside time in your days to practice self-care. Luckily, there are many small ways to weave self-care into your schedule – some of which you may not have considered before!

#1: Read a Book

Turn off your phone, step away from your laptop, and crack a book you’ve been wanting to read for a while.

#2: Take Yourself to a Show

Whether you prefer live music, or you want to see the latest movie in theaters, take yourself out on the town. Work can always wait – and you’ll appreciate getting out of the house to decompress.

#3: Take a 5-Minute Break

Short on time? Try a 5-minute meditation break. Take deep breaths, clear your mind, and pull yourself out of stress and into the present moment.

#4: Eat Well

When you’re in a busy season of life, eating habits can slip. Try to prepare healthy snacks and meals for yourself ahead of time or at the beginning of the week. You deserve to eat healthy, filling food to fuel you through your day.

#5: Dance

Relaxed breaks can be calming, but the endorphins released during movement can be equally beneficial. Take a few minutes at the end of your day and sway to your favorite song.

Self-care doesn’t have to be the stereotyped examples you read about in magazines. You can find a system that works for you – whatever that looks like. Care for yourself in a way that brings joy and peace to your mind, body, and soul.