Category: Energy Psychology

Dealing with a Chronic Victim

Do you have a chronic complainer in your life, a person who is always “woe is me”? These types of friends, relatives, or co-workers chronically feel as if they are the direct victims of other people’s negative actions while never acknowledging their part in the situation. People with victim mentality never take ownership or responsibility for their choices and they don’t take positive advice. You may make a suggestion about how to deal with the cheating boyfriend, the callous spouse, or the over controlling boss, and they will respond with “no that wouldn’t work” and then have a list of reasons why. Dealing with never ending complainers is exhausting as they have a limitless whine list.

How do you engage with a person with victim mentality when you are a loving, caring individual and find it difficult to say no? First remember, setting boundaries is critical with this type of person or they will take advantage of your kindness. You can be clear that you have a certain amount of time to listen then you have to either get off the phone, get back to work, etc. Otherwise, you will end up frustrated, annoyed, and ultimately being a victim yourself. You can say, this is not a good time to talk, I just got in from a challenging day and I need to unwind, call me tomorrow. If it’s a friend or relative they may balk at your refusal, stick to your boundary setting.

People that have a chronic victim mentality find it hard or impossible to see the part they play in the problem. For example, a male friend who complains about his angry wife yet he refuses to acknowledge that he never says, “stop” or “enough” or “you are making me nervous.” Rather he keeps allowing his wife to be verbally abusive. You can suggest that when you are ready to talk about resolutions that you are more than happy to hash it out, to listen. It is okay to be clear that the broken record of complaints and no actions ever taken to change, is old. You can reassure the person that you will be there to help support their efforts to break the patterns, but that you don’t want hear their constant grumbling.

Your time and energy is as equally valuable as the person who has victim mentality, but often chronic complainers have a hard time with other people’s needs. They tend to be obsessed with their own suffering, even when in part, they are causing it. You can remind them that you have a family, a life, work, whatever and although you empathize with them, you can’t solve their situation. Beware of insidious co-dependent tendencies you have particularly if you are dealing with victim mentality. You can’t fix other people; they have to do that themselves.

It is possible to be empathetic without being co-dependent, again, by setting defined boundaries. Draw on your empathy, you’re ability to understand that the person suffering from victim mentality is stuck in their negative thought patterns. And although it is not your fault, you remain understanding, while realizing you are not responsible for their attitudes or situation. For example, you may have a friend who complains a lot, and in their past they experienced trauma. You can be loving and still set your boundaries, suggest counseling, therapy…but remember, you are not the therapist, you are the friend.

Most of us, at one time or another, have experienced a “why me” moment where we feel victimized or slated unjustly. This is different from the person who has victim mentality. When those moments happen to you, there are several ways to get out off the pity pot. Remind yourself of all that is right in your life. That you are not in a worn torn country, you don’t to fight for your basic right to eat or to live. Also, remembering that despite an immediate difficult situation, circumstances change and yours will as well. Lingering in a funk is no good for you or those around you. Get out of the house, take a walk in nature, watch a comedy, or have lunch with a friend.
The next time you encounter victim mentality, recognize it and remember these simple tips.


Approaching Situations that Cause You Anxiety

Many of us have situations that cause us anxiety. It may be speaking in public, or it may be facing a conflict in your relationship. Recognize that many people have similar reactions. Whatever situation you’re facing that causes you anxiety – I know that it can feel overwhelming. You may feel as though you’re unable to control how you’re feeling, or that you can’t possibly face these situations.

I suggest you take these steps to overcome your anxiety so that you’ll be able to manage the negative impacts.

Accept How You’re Feeling

Any anxiety that you’re feeling is usually a response to a deeper fear or source of upset. The first step to approaching situations that cause you anxiety is to embrace how you’re feeling. Accept the fact that the situation you’re about to encounter causes you anxiety. Feel it deeply, and allow for your reaction.

Create Space for Yourself to React

It’s important to give yourself emotional and mental space to react to the situation that causes you anxiety. If you’re afraid of public speaking and you throw yourself into a public speaking event without preparation or time to accept your anxiety your negative feelings are likely to escalate. Instead, create space for your reaction to the situation. Give yourself time to react. Likewise, after the situation is over, give yourself time to decompress. You will want to have plenty of space during these situations to accept and move past your anxious reaction.

Practice a Moment of Meditation

When the anxiety you experience is situational, meditation can help. Some people prefer to meditate before they approach the situation that causes them anxiety. If we follow the public speaking example, you could take time before the event to meditate calmly. Focus on being fully present. You can also meditate during the situation that’s causing you anxiety. Meditation doesn’t need to be a quiet act where you’re alone. It can be repeating a mantra to yourself in your head, or it can be focusing on your breath instead of any negative emotional reaction. Again, using the public speaking example, you can take a few seconds between sentences to repeat to yourself, “I am strong.” Or you can take slow, metered breaths between each phrase. After you exit the situation that’s causing you anxiety, you can still practice meditation to soothe yourself and bring yourself back to the present moment.


The Science Behind Laughter

Is laughter really the best medicine? We hear this saying all the time, and it can be easy to roll our eyes at when we’re not feeling so great. Whether it’s stress caused by outside situations that’s bringing you down, or internalized negativity, sometimes the last thing you want to do is laugh. Still, don’t we always feel noticeably better after a good laugh? Or don’t we feel like a weight has been lifted when you finally break down and laugh so hard you cry after a full day of everything-feels-like-it’s-going-wrong moments? The truth is that laughter is a kind of medicine – and not just because it makes us feel better emotionally! There’s a science behind it that proves just how positive laughter can be in your life (especially when you’re feeling down).

Laughter Gets Your Blood Flowing

The act of laughing dilates your blood vessels, improving the blood flow all over your body. Increased blood flow improves brain function, muscle function, and the function of most of your organs. It also decreases the chance of cardiovascular disease. So, just by improving blood flow, laughter helps to improve the functionality of the rest of your body. The increased blood flow also releases T-cells, B-cells, and Gamma-interferons, all of which boost your immune system.

Laughter Chills You Out

Feeling stressed? Overwhelmed? Laughter is the cure. The act of laughing releases endorphins, much like exercise does. These endorphins leave you feeling positive and relaxed. But, that’s not the only way laughter works to calm you down! When you laugh, your body reduces its output of stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine. Laughter is very literally taking away your ability to hold on to stress.

Laughter Yoga

If you want to use laughter in your life, consider laughter yoga. The concept behind laughter yoga is that voluntary laughter acts the same as involuntary laughter. Some liken it to internal jogging – it’s an exercise for your mind intended to release the positive endorphins and reduce stress hormones. If you’re feeling a little nervous about trying it out for the first time, I recommend starting with this simple breathing and relaxation exercise:


Everything You Have Ever Wanted is on the Other Side of Negativity

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However you envision your life is how it will be. This sounds like a simple philosophy, and it’s true. When you think negatively about your life, or you tell yourself your wildest hopes and dreams can’t possibly come true, you immediately give truth to those thoughts. This is a difficult cycle to break, because negativity acts as a kind of cyclical trap. Once you feed negative thoughts by giving them truth, they have influence over your reality. And when your reality is negative, you’ll continue to think negatively about your present and your future.

This doesn’t have to be true for you. Think about your deepest dreams and desires for your life. Envision how you would feel if they were your reality. You can have more than one. You can think that these dreams and desires feel crazy given where you are in life right now. But the truth is that these dreams are possible. You can achieve them, and the path to start doing so is on the other side of negativity.

Whether your goals have to do with your personal self, your professional self, or your relationships with others, accept them. Release the overwhelming negativity or fear that’s holding you back and leaving you feeling stuck in a damaging thought cycle. Instead, embrace your deepest dreams and desires. Make an active decision to think positively about them, even if it doesn’t feel natural at first. Once you start trying to think positively about your dreams and desires, they become achievable. They enter your realm of possible reality. Your dreams become your goals, and your goals become life as you know it. All with the power of positive thinking.

You can achieve all that you dream of once you are on the other side of negativity. The key is making positivity a habit. Give truth to positive thoughts surrounding your goals and dreams, not negative ones. The negative thoughts exist, and they’re natural, but they don’t deserve your time, energy, or focus. I know that you can achieve these dreams and desires, and I know you will find yourself in a wonderful place on the other side of negativity. Are you already thinking more positively about the life you dream of for yourself? Doesn’t allowing a sliver of positivity to shine through brighten your world? Your dreams are achievable once you believe that anything is possible – because you’ve given truth to your positive thoughts.


Expanding the Heart

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Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie” William Shakespeare

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” This quote from the children’s story, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, bears a universal truth. Love, connection to self and others, and a deeper understanding of life, creates peace and happiness. Last week, we looked at how life long learning benefits your body, mind, and spirit. Knowledge is like love; it springs from a sundry of sources and is obtained only when we are open to it. Schools and colleges provide fodder for your mind what about your heart; the seat of seeing the unseen, the understated, the unspoken. When you grow in wisdom, you learn how to see the world through the eyes of your heart center.

In modern society, you are encouraged to pursue an education and this is sound positive advice. There is a freedom in learning, but equally important is to not fall into spiritual complacency. When is the last time you let go of fear and danced into the day or stopped to admire the cloud formations? Perhaps you have everything you could possibly ask for and still find yourself disgruntled or hungry for more meaning and inspiration in your life.

Like the brain, our heart is an organ but it also literally and figuratively, transports the life force that courses through us. How do we learn to access and increase these subtle energies? First, by being mindful, present in each moment. Naturally this takes time and practice as well as learning ancient and contemporary philosophies that offer guidance and insights. There are thousands of books and websites that can help enlighten us.

Other ways to enhance your spirituality are to tune inward to the energetic fields within. Perhaps read about the chakras, the seven subtle energy centers that when working together create a sense of balance and harmony. Take an active role in raising your consciousness through meditation, positive affirmations, and healing therapies such as acupuncture, sound vibration, and Reiki. By educating our inner selves we begin to peel the layers of fear or negativity away. When we learn to empower our hearts we toss out the stories that keep us paralyzed and separate from our true self. The self that is not influenced by social expectations or age or status in life.

Learning how the lattice work of invisible energies influence your life, can raise your awareness and help you heal the heart. Trying cultivating a mindful attitude towards the inner selves that are at play within you. Respectfully acknowledge these varying energies and explore the many ways that offer healing. For example, if you feel chronically tired, perhaps the fatigue stems not from the physical but rather from a sense of spiritual depletion. Your heart feels heavy, maybe try taking quiet moments throughout the day to acknowledge your spirit, to let it feast on a positive mantra or reading.

Let go of the kinetic call of multi-tasking, look at how you can simplify your life to carve out more time for sitting in stillness or to pray or meditate, to literally reconnect with the energies/spirit within. To listen to the inner voices calling for more love and less anger. Look for the answers by going inward. Yoga is a wonderful practice that combines the healing of mind, body, spirit. There are hundreds of different styles to choose from. Or maybe read a book on energy medicine or the Tibetan healing through sound. Explore the different spiritual practices that may resonate with you.

Whatever route calls you home to your heart, follow it to find the bliss that comes from learning the language of love, which over and over again will guide you to a more fulfilling life.


Accepting Where You Are

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I always say that aging is not for the faint of heart. There are a wide variety of reasons this rings true, from physical ailments, emotional stubbornness, and more. One of the biggest reasons that aging tends to be difficult these days is that western society has evolved to perpetuate the view that getting older is, in fact, negative. In some ways, this makes sense. As your age increases, your body changes and some of the benefits of youth will fade. Still, the harmful view that westernized culture seems to have on aging feels fruitless and frustrating – as aging itself is unavoidable.

Age shame is a recurring problem for women and men alike. Not only is western culture becoming more open about shaming those who are aging, but people who are older shame themselves. This concept goes against all the healthy habits that the world promotes – self-love, respect, and acceptance, just to name a few. How can we justify looking at ourselves, or another, and passing judgments based solely on how long they’ve walked this earth?

The short answer is – we can’t. Feeling a sense of anxiety or shame about aging is emotionally damaging. After all, there’s nothing we can do to stop time in its tracks. Having a negative response towards something that is beyond our control sets us up for ongoing feelings of negativity.

Being ashamed about aging doesn’t only have a negative emotional impact on you; it also denies self-acceptance a core aspect of your health. In many ways, aging is a sign that you’ve been here, living, growing, and experiencing for far longer than many others who surround you.

You may have negative feelings about the skin on your neck, and you are entitled to whatever conflicting feelings you may have about your changing physical and mental existence. But know that your aging in no way diminishes the lessons you’ve learned, or the experience and wisdom you share.

You cannot control whether you age, but you can control how you approach the entire concept of aging. I’d like to promote this new approach to how we view aging – or maybe just how you view aging. This approach centers on accepting yourself and those around you for exactly who they are, where they are, and what they are. Accepting yourself and one another at this core level of truth leads to positive emotions, and less negativity or anxiety.

So, let us age with grace. Let us celebrate each day we’ve spent living and loving with fullness. Let us learn from the days where we did not do those things. While aging may not be for the faint of heart, I know that you are not faint of heart. You are strong, you are positive, and you can focus on celebrating and accepting yourself and those around you – no matter what age they are.


Truly Celebrating Valentine’s Day

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It’s the time of year where stores are covered in displays of hearts, sales on gifts for that special someone takes over advertising, and expectations for romance are at an all-time high. But are these expectations healthy? Getting involved in Valentine’s Day is overwhelming for some as they focus themselves on what they “should” be doing to express love for their partner, or what they “should” expect from their significant other, but there is a healthier approach. Focusing on the “shoulds” of life and love is always a recipe for negativity.

Valentine’s Day is fraught with expectations – many of which are implied by companies looking to make an extra few dollars on a dozen roses, a box of chocolates, or a sweet card. These things themselves aren’t inherently negative, but the pressure surrounding them certainly causes plenty of individuals to be discontented. If you’re in a relationship, there’s an expectation to make it a day that fully celebrates your significant other, more so than every other day that you love and cherish them. If you’re not in a relationship, there’s an expectation that you’re searching for love and will be thrilled if it magically comes together by Valentine’s (and crushed if you’re alone without a date).

However, these expectations are fully under our control. You have the power to shift your expectations to something more positive, and frankly, more in line with the holiday’s true intent – celebrating love. This Valentine’s Day, the choice is yours. Your day does not need to center on this notion of the romantic ideal. Wouldn’t it be better to spend that energy on truly celebrating those you love, however you prefer to do so?

Rather than focusing on what societal expectations are for Valentine’s Day this year, empower yourself to celebrate the many kinds of fulfilling loves in your life. Maybe that love is shared with a significant other, or between you and your family, or with your closest friends, or maybe it’s just the love you have for yourself and who you have grown into as a person. Love is not exclusive, and Valentine’s Day doesn’t belong only to the bouquet of roses you’re expecting from your partner.

This is a time to embrace the love you have in your life right now and joyfully revel in all the positivity it brings you. Whatever your love life looks like, take Valentine’s Day to celebrate these meaningful connections and relationships rather than dwelling on what material gifts or displays of love you expect out of your current or desired romantic relationship. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend, meeting a beloved family member for lunch to catch up, enjoying time to yourself with your favorite cup of coffee, or, yes, taking focused time to appreciate your romantic partner for all that they are to you.

Don’t get lost in the desires for romantic overtures and the pressure of expectations this season. Instead, this Valentine’s Day, allow positive energy and the powerful existence of all the many kinds of love in your life be celebrated without expectation – only deep appreciation and contentment.


Connect Within

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The unfolding of a new year gives us a wonderful opportunity to reconnect with ourselves, that part within we perhaps call spirit or essence. As we take stock of our physical health, it is equally as valuable to get a psyche check-up, to quietly enter that realm of your being that is unique authentic, unspoiled. You may ask the questions: Where am I on my journey? Does the direction I am moving in match my intention? You may also contemplate your life’s purpose, which may be many folds. To realize yourself more fully takes courage and reflection.

Once you take the time to travel inward, stay for a bit. Clear away all of the stresses and influences that don’t really represent your true feelings or passions. How can you simplify? What practices can you begin that will move you closer to the vision of your best self?

Science tells us it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. What positive habit do you want to implement into your life? For example, maybe you want to stop reaching for your phone or device first thing in the morning. You would prefer to start your day reading reflective material to set an encouraging tone for you day. Place the materiel you want to read where your phone would have been, do this for 21 days and reap the rewards. Connecting within will help you realize these missing bits of your life that can have a profoundly positive impact.

Begin to listen to your inner voices, those aspects of you that may feel neglected. The artist, the writer, the reader, the contemplative. Modern society has most of us conditioned to keep moving, we are sold the idea that stopping for an inner break costs too much time and money. Saadi of Shiraz one of the major Persian poets and influential literary men of the medieval period wrote: 

Things that come easy don’t last long

In China it took forty years to make a porcelain bowl,

while a hundred a day pour out of a kiln in Baghdad.

Which is worth more?

A chick fresh out of the egg pecks its own food,

while an infant remains helpless for many years.

The first never raises its gaze from the ground,

while the second can find stars and galaxies within.

In other words, exploring your values in your inner life takes time; there is no app to click or short cut, which is why we often call life a journey. By checking in, you see how your navigation is going. Have you gotten off course or has your desired destination changed, altered with the wisdom of time? Similar to a marriage or relationship with a partner, to keep it healthy you need to hear one another. It is the same with the self.

How then do you go about connecting within? How do we practice presence from that heart space all of us have? One simple suggestion is to carve out time for stillness. Rather than pile more on your daily to do list, take something off and replace it with meditation. If you are allergic to the word meditation, you can talk a walk, without your headphones. Or if you live in the city, walk with quiet lulling thoughtful music that beckons your inner thoughts. Listen a little less to news. A fifteen-minute reflection can refuel your commitment to living a life that you yearn for rather than feeling as though your destiny is in the hands of others. Read reflective books and let the works marinate into your psyche. We often over expose ourselves to harsh corrosive stimuli, how about swapping that out for books, podcasts or CD’s that support our inner growth?

As 2017 evolves, give yourself the gift of time. Time for inner perspective to hug that person waving from the vista of your true self and enjoy the delightful discoveries that shape your life’s happiness and purpose.

 


The Magic of Music

There are times in life when challenges on our time and resources exceed our ability to satisfy them. This affects our moods and feelings and often we do not realize that we have a choice over what we feel. We know that our thoughts are the wellspring of both. However, there is another way to change our moods and feelings. Music. Music has the power to restore your body, mind, and spirit. It is mystical, spiritual and has extraordinary effects on the brain.

You don’t have to go to music therapy to reap the benefits of music. Author and composer, Elena Mannes, found that “scientists have discovered that music stimulates more parts of the brain than any other human function.”   Think about when you hear a particular song or score that takes you back in time or generates a strong emotion. When you feel deprived of time to reflect or need a haven to slip away to, turn on the tunes and rekindle the magic of music.

Music works on the autonomic nervous system – the part of the nervous system that regulates blood pressure, heartbeat and brain function. When you listen to soothing sounds, there is a physical reaction, your blood pressure drops and your heart rate slows. Music also influences the limbic system, the center that controls emotions. When you play slow rhythmic music, your muscles release tension, you breathe easier and your mind relaxes; a no side effect prescription for creating a sense of calm.

There are a plethora of benefits music provides; scientists found that when people listen to slow musical beats their brain waves mimic that of a person meditating. Using music as a therapy for quieting the mind also works on children. As parents, you may feel exasperated at times by the barrage of stimuli your children endure. Try playing soft soothing tunes to your child when they are doing their homework or are acting out. You may find playing this type of music with your child also helps both of you focus. With the calming effect of music, your mind can zone in on completing a task, without getting frustrated or anxious.

When your energy is depleted and you need a boost or if you are feeling overcome from the doldrums of daily living, try playing music. Music is multifaceted, in that it also has the power to ease depression and to elevate your mood. It increases the release of dopamine in the brain (the feel good hormone) that produces a sense of happiness and well-being. Researchers have found that the genre of music that you listen to does matter. Classical and meditative songs were the most beneficial; heavy metal and techno music can actually make depression worse. Only twenty minutes of listening can uplift your mood and help give you a new, lighter perspective on life.

Cultural music is another way to reconnect with the world around you. Often it matters little that you may not understand the words. The tempo and lure of the emotions behind a song can set you soaring. It stimulates the imagination and contributes to creativity. For children, this can be a wonderful lesson of the universal language of music or a reminder of their own unique heritage.

There are wonderful new ways to discover music now. Pandora, Spotify, even YouTube all offer free listening and you can select a genre that suits your needs. Perhaps this is the day you re-discover your love of music. Play a favorite song and sing along or let go; dance in the living room and revel in music’s beautiful ability to connect us to others and ourselves.music 2


Self-Care

Winter for many is a time when colds and flus become a menace in our lives. If this is true for you then finding ways to stay conscious of what your body is telling you is paramount. Notice things like if you feel more tired than usual, or a tiny tickle in your throat, as such observations and treating them can be the difference between having a cold and it developing into flu.

Many of us are taught not to trust our bodies. If you listen, your body will tell you when it is time to slow down. Often we wait until someone of authority such as a doctor or our mother tells us to rest or to take a preventative homeopathic remedy, rather than thinking of it ourselves. By listening to our bodies and trusting in them we begin to take better care of ourselves. By being more aware of our bodies we may prevent or lessen the impact of the colds and flus we encounter during the winter season or any season.

Self-care is a lifestyle; it incorporates daily habits to ensure that you are taking time for yourself in the best possible ways – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Some ideas on how to enrich your practice of self-care on a daily basis:

  • Every morning set your alarm early to allow for 10-20 minutes of meditation.
  • Following your meditation do a quick body scan. This will allow you to hear what your body has to say.
  • Mindfulness will help you slow down and notice the details around you and within you. Once you are more aware, you might notice that tickle in your throat before it becomes a cough. For example: Every time you touch your phone, think about that phone. What color is it, what is the shape, how does it feel against your hand? Doing this will help you be in the moment every time you touch your phone. Eventually this will begin to occur naturally with other things or events as well.
  • Unplug! Sleep better and leave your devices outside of the bedroom at night.
  • Exercise in whatever way appeals to you. Walk, dance, swim, yoga, the gym. Do something, even if it’s for 10 minutes in your living room. Exercise increases blood flow.
  • Make small changes to create a healthy diet. Establish a routine for meals. Drink more water.
  • Take power naps. 10 to 20 minutes once or twice a day.
  • Establish a regular bedtime routine in the evening and plan for 7-8 hours of sleep. Your body will tell you how many hours you need, listen to it.

               catcleaning“Make yourself a priority in your life. Afterall, it’s your life.” Akiroq Brost