Bridge of Life Blog

Changing Relationships – One Person at a Time

February 20, 2011

Growing an Intimate Relationship

marafisher @ 4:28 am

Are you married now? Have you thought about being married?  Do you ever wonder how you can have a lasting marriage? Do you want to re-marry but are unsure it’s right?

Think about how much work you put into preparing for a career.  Weddings as well often take a large amount of planning and preparation. Think about what happens after the honeymoon, though. Have you simply planned your wedding, or have you prepared for your future?  Isn’t it interesting that when it comes to your marriage, preparation is often not part of the picture.

Preparation and education are vital to a lasting marriage.  Here are some important steps to explore and share with your partner before and after your wedding:

Increasing Intimacy

  • Understand your own values, qualities. Explore each other’s values and qualities, such as truthfulness, trustworthiness, integrity etc.
  • Be responsible for your words and actions. Communicate clearly and often with each other. This will help you develop great communication skills which are vital to a happy marriage.
  • Develop a deep and caring friendship with your partner. Learn each other’s likes and dislikes, such as foods, entertainment, sports, recreation etc. Know that it is okay that not every interest includes both partners.
  • Ask yourself if you have the ability to be a compatible and harmonious couple. Can you laugh at yourself and each other’s foibles or quirks?
  • Consider if you both have the same values around family. Communicate your expectations. Do you want to build   connections with each other’s family? Do you want to have children together? Discuss this in advance and decide a strategy.
  • Explore and discuss how you will manage money. Many couples do not discuss this and later have challenges around how to spend, how to save, etc. If you work this out in advance you will be true friends and your marriage can be a happy one. Money is the #1 reason for arguments in a marriage.
  • What are you sex role expectations? Become clear about them and communicate them to your partner.
  • As you establish a strong spiritual and emotional bondthe happier your marriage will be. By  communicating clearly you will feel heard and understood and your relationship will grow.

November 3, 2010

Confusing Marital Statistics

marafisher @ 9:47 pm

The latest statistics on marriage in the United States say that 41% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages. This can be misleading.

They initially might make one want to work in couples’ therapy on their first marriage as it has a higher possibility of success. While this may be true, I wondered at what cost to the couple and the family. Please do not misunderstand me; I think it is wonderful for people to be in healthy working marriages. What I do not think is that staying together out of fear of being alone, ‘for the sake of the children’, or for financial insecurities is healthy. After reading these statistics I began to wonder why first marriages last longer.

Most first marriages occur when we are young and do not yet know who we are. As we mature sometimes we grow apart from our partners; developing different interests, values change too. It is not that we do not love or care for each other anymore, it is just that we would prefer a partner that shares our values and interests. Moreover, one’s sex drive does change as we age. It does not necessarily slow down but desires and tastes change.

Many first marriages are held together by a common goal of wanting, and having children. Parents want to be in the same home with their offspring. As children grow, the need for the parents to stay together may shift: the couple may notice that they have little in common.  For some this is a time of re-kindling the relationship and developing new-shared interests.

Another thought I have had is that during a first marriage many people care more greatly for what their families and friends will think if they divorce. They themselves have a negative view of divorce and so assume that their family and friends will too. Sometimes this is so, but not always. Having no experience in leaving one life and creating another, divorce is very hard and scary for most people, especially for those whom have never done it before.

If a couple does choose to get a divorce they live through the initial hardship of it then grow and learn that they can build a new life. Often the new life can be more satisfying for them.

With age and the experience of a divorce most people will become less afraid of moving on and less tolerant of behaviors in others that they do not appreciate. So, a second divorce although equally challenging is easier as the fears that you will not be able to build a new satisfying life is no longer present.

If you are in a good marriage, whether it is your first or your fifth, and you are having a challenge; than a great couples therapist can be a catalyst in working out the knots.

Just make certain that this therapist is actually trained as a couple’s therapist and not an individual therapist that calls themselves a couple’s therapist. Individual therapists working with couples can actually do harm to your relationship as they do not understand that your relationship has a voice of it’s own.

October 28, 2010

Speak Up For The Scared Child

marafisher @ 11:22 am

The shame that occurs from sexual abuse of a child transcends generations. Approximately one in every three girls and one in every six boys are sexually abused. I find these statistics mind-boggling, just think about it.

When a child is molested the shame and guilt that lives within them for the rest of their lives molds everything they do. Often intimacy is never achieved, as they are too vulnerable to connect with another person. The shame is often built upon the belief that they, the child, are the ones responsible for their being sexually abused. Their guilt follows this.

It is only recently that people are recognizing that so many boys and girls are sexually abused.

I have a friend whose mother killed herself when she was thirteen. Until my friend found out that her mom had been sexually abused she thought in some way she had let her mom down. Upon learning of her mother’s abuse, she is now able to understand that her mother’s issues were not her issues.

A forty-three year old man had been sexually abused at age nine by a boy of fourteen. It took him many years of working with me to truly get that he had done nothing wrong and had nothing to be ashamed of. It was much too challenging for him to maintain a lasting relationship because when he felt close to a person, his feelings of shame would come up and he would feel too vulnerable to allow anything more than a superficial connection. After lots of self-reflection, insight and growth, he is now dating a woman and for the first time he has allowed himself to shared his story.  He is beginning to allow himself to feel vulnerable and connected. As he lets go of the shame and guilt he is able to allow the intimacy of connection.

The shame and guilt of childhood sexual abuse can and does affect all of us. If you even sense that there is a child being sexually abused, reach out and be the voice for that child.

September 24, 2010

Happy, Healthy & Laughter Yoga!

marafisher @ 9:35 pm

Recently I became a Certified Laughter Yoga Leader. Laughter Yoga is a wonderful way of life. The more you laugh the more you heal. The more you laugh the happier you feel. And you are actually exercising!

Laughter Yoga was developed by Dr. Kataria in India. I studied with him in the U.S. and was trained by Sebastien Gendry.

Here is a link to a very enjoyable technique, led by Sebastien that you can follow and enjoy anytime. It is called head clearing laughter technique: http://t.co/oijs7fw via @laughyogamerica Try it and notice how you felt before and how you feel after doing it.

I am amazed at the changes in my life from the practice of laughter yoga for 10-15 minutes daily and I hope you will be too.

September 20, 2010

Stop Procrastination & Move Forward

marafisher @ 10:38 pm

Often we keep ‘should lists’ of all the things we think we should have done. How is it possible that something we thought we should do, we haven’t done? Unconsciously we consider the effort, time and energy it would take to complete all the things on our should list, and then become stuck in the mud.

We might want to ask ourselves, why are the things on my should list important? What is the benefit of doing it? What is the consequence of not doing it? If the benefit and/or the consequence are large we are more likely to complete the task. Otherwise as procrastinators we will be just fine with doing it later. Which often means not at all

So, by keeping the benefits and the negative consequences large we are more likely to follow through, step out of the mud and do it. When evaluating your list, you may discover that some of the ‘shoulds’ are not important to you at all. If that happens erase them.

August 8, 2010

Inner Beauty

Mara Fisher LCSW, MCC @ 11:02 pm

Finding this quote recently for the 3rd time I was quite inspired again. So, I thought I would share it with you.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.  For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.  As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.                   …Audrey Hepburn

July 14, 2010

What is a Labyrinth and How Can You Use One?

Mara Fisher LCSW, MCC @ 11:59 pm

Labyrinths have been used for centuries as a tool for meditation and

renewal of spirit. Labyrinths have one way in and one way out, so

there is no need to worry about getting lost. There is no right or

wrong way of using the labyrinth. Depending on what questions you ask

as you walk the labyrinth, different answers and experiences will

unfold to you. If you do not have access to a labyrinth that you can

walk; you can use your fingers to walk a smaller labyrinth.

Labyrinth Exercise:

Go to: http://www.labyrinthsociety.org/html/about_labyrinths.html

Here you can down load a labyrinth that you can then print.

First use your dominant hand and then your less other hand to walk the labyrinth, as you ask yourself the following questions.

What stops me from engaging fully?

What stops me from becoming a blooming flower, once the seed is planted?

What fears come up?

OR

What is ready to be created or achieved?

How is it to celebrate the fruits of my endeavors?

What is dead and needs to be buried?

Notice what you feel, see, sense, think, and hear.

June 28, 2010

Self-esteem – How to Lift It

Mara Fisher LCSW, MCC @ 10:23 pm

Self-esteem – How to Lift It

Taking responsibility for your life is the key to having high self-esteem. Here are two clues that your self-esteem is not as high as you might like it to be:

  1. Blaming others for what does or does not happen in your life.
  2. Complaining about your life as if you have no say in it.

Having higher self-esteem is about how what you think, feel and believe gets interpreted by you. It is about your interpretation of how you feel and how you transfer those feelings into your beliefs. Often when people blame and complain they are unconsciously giving away their power. Taking responsibility for your life is the way to shift this.

Here are a few affirmations you can begin to work with to raise your self-esteem:

  • I am willing to be responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions.
  • I am willing to be responsible for myself.
  • I am willing to be responsible for the choices I make.
  • I am willing to be responsible for allowing myself to enjoy my life.
  • I am willing to be responsible for the decisions I make.
  • I am willing to be responsible for what I do to others.
  • I am willing to be responsible for what I do to myself.
  • I am willing to give myself love.

Above are eight examples of affirmations that will raise your self-esteem if you believe them. If you find that some of them are not a great fit for you than begin with: I am in process of being…

June 20, 2010

How To Have A Happy Relationship!

Mara Fisher LCSW, MCC @ 12:06 am

How is it that many people expend tons of energy to find their “Soul-Mate” and then, once they do their focus changes? Have you noticed this too?

People stop putting energy into the relationship they had previously spent years dreaming about.  Perhaps there have been disappointments; perhaps there have been expectations that were not met. Slowly, quietly and often unconsciously the relationship begins to drift apart. Although this is not true in all relationships, it is a common occurrence that can easily be shifted.

If, when people become a couple, they are willing to stay conscious and continue to put at least 50% of their energy into their relationship; they will be more likely to feel and express the appreciation that they dreamed about when they were single.  When people feel appreciated they are less likely to hold resentments, anger and negative thoughts. Just notice how you feel when you are appreciated as opposed to criticized!

June 18, 2010

ADD or ADHD

Mara Fisher LCSW, MCC @ 4:47 pm

Attention Deficit Disorder affects many people; it is one of the most misunderstood diagnoses. Possibly because the symptoms vary for each individual and so do the ways it is treated. Often adults that are diagnosed with depression really are challenged with ADD and have been misdiagnosed.

Building systems is important for people with ADD to make their daily lives easier and more fun. Understanding what systems are is very important to your success in helping yourself or someone you care about that has ADD to become successful in life.

Systems include:

  • Habits
  • Rituals
  • An environment that supports you and understands how ADD impacts your life.

For more information please feel free to contact me at: mara@bridgeoflife.com

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