Tag: couples

Emotional Infidelity – What is it? Is it in YOUR Life?

Many people think that infidelity is only sexual. The #1 form of infidelity is Emotional Infidelity. It usually stems out of feeling that something is missing in your relationship. You may feel disconnected from your partner. What is best is to talk to your partner about feeling disconnected. If you cannot talk to your partner than seek the help of a couples/marriage counselor.

How do you know if you are emotionally cheating?

  • Ask yourself: If my partner were sitting next to me would I be uncomfortable doing this? If your answer is yes, it is a clue for you.
  • You flirt with him/her.
  • Perhaps you dress in a way that might attract the person’s attention.
  • When something happens in your life you share it with her/him rather than your partner.
  • You feel excited when you see the person and look forward to seeing them more than you do your partner.
  • You have relationship fantasies about that person.
  • You find yourself sharing problems you are having at home with that person, rather than your partner.

I recall a man I worked with who was so proud that he had not had sex with his female work friend until after he and his wife had separated. He had been receiving emotional support from his work friend for over 1 year and this is what led to his wife leaving him. He had no idea that he had been emotionally unfaithful in his marriage. Nor did he get that he was cheating on his wife.

Emotional Infidelity is quite common and very difficult for couples to fully address on their own as often the partner that is cheating does not know he/she is cheating.


Couple vs. Individual Therapy for a Couple

Here is a link to a video that will answer a question that couples calling me often ask: Is it better to be in individual therapy or couples therapy in order to save my relationship?

I hope you find this helpful:


How do I get close without getting lost while in a committed relationship?

Ever wonder how to know if you are being intrusive? It is much easier to get when someone else is being intrusive. Sometimes that can be confusing as well.

When we are in a committed relationship our confusion with boundaries becomes most evident. It can be quite confusing. Is it okay if I tell my partner what I think? Will I be invading their space? How come I get upset when my partner tells me what he/she thinks? If I want something done a certain way am I invading my partner’s boundaries? These questions can go on and on. Understanding our own boundaries is quite complex and worth the effort.

I have noticed that all working relationships have some degree of haze surrounding the boundaries of the persons within it. Relationships are alive and the people in them often overlap in order to achieve comfortable levels of intimacy. Relationships take on a life of their own separate and apart from the I or the you.

The question many of us ask, is how can I tell if I am getting lost within the life of my relationship? And yet some of us do keep our sense of self and do not get lost in the forest of our relationship. While others forget to leave breadcrumbs when they go into a relationship and so they get lost.

What prevents us from maintaining our identity in a relationship? Perhaps we did not have a clear sense of self when we went into a relationship and so the relationship became whom we are. It is possible to lose your sense of self-while in relationship if you are trying to accommodate the other person.

It may be time for you to look for your I.

In all relationships there is some melding of identity. Understanding and knowing your own boundaries will allow you to know yourself and who your partner is with clarity.


Divorce ?

When we marry most of us believe it really is for the rest of our lives. We often create a combined life as well as individual life. It is the combined life however that usually has the priority in marriage. Separating from our life partner is painful; feelings of anger, abandonment and yes relief may also be present. There is no escaping your feelings, whatever they are.

I have seen some people avoid their feelings by dating constantly or drinking or drugging. I have seen others plummet into despair for periods of time. It is natural to miss the warmth, friendship, financial security, and sex you had or hoped you would have.

If you have children parenting becomes much more challenging as your role does change and the frequency that you will spend time with your children will change as well. Questions like when do I introduce my children to the person I am dating will arise and possibly cause you anxiety, as there is no ‘right’ answer, only better ones.

Divorce is often one of life’s most stressful experiences. I refer to divorce as a mini-death. In some ways it is more challenging than a ‘real’ death in that the person you have separated from, possibly feel abandoned by, is alive. If you have had children together you will be seeing your X for the rest of your life. This for many is re-wounding, especially if you are unable to forgive yourself and you’re X for the divorce. It is common for both parties to have feelings of failure regardless of who initiated the divorce.

On the positvite side, a divorce can be a time of discoving yourself again, creating new relationships, learning and growing. In order to move forward taking responsibility for your part in the divorce rather than blaming your X for it is paramount. As well as, allowing yourself to grieve your loss and honor your feelings. Then you will be in a space to grow into your new life, the one you will create out of joy. The life you used to dream about having when you were married and unhappy but always thought you could not create it.


The ‘Space-Between’

My Colleague Hedy Schleifer uses the term ‘Space-Between’ when describing what occurs energetically between two people in a relationship. I find this term very useful and wanted to share my point of view with you.

Consider that Relationships live in the ‘Space-Between’ you and your partner? The space that often you can feel but do not see. This is the space where your children are, the space where they grow up and learn values.

Have you ever wondered what happens in this space when you yell at your partner, or belittle him/her? And the effect negative behaviors have upon your children’s development?

So, how can you keep the ‘Space-Between’ safe for your partner and for your children?

Creating a Safe ‘Space-Between’

  • Communicate safely and effectively with each other
  • Building trust and intimacy
  • Be willing to hear and actively listen to what your partner has to say
  • Value your partners point of view
  • Respect your partners feelings
  • Show empathy towards your partner
  • Show appreciation for what your partner does
  • Respect your partner’s point of view

Leave the following in another room:

  • Criticism
  • Contempt
  • Defensiveness – Defense is the 1st act of war
  • Stonewalling
  • Resentments

The ‘Space-Between’ is thriving when you have:

  • Affection in Public
  • Passion in Private
  • Fidelity
  • Quality Time Together
  • Confiding
  • Mutual Interests/Activities
  • Shared Decision-Making
  • Shared Housework
  • Shared Parenting

How To Have A Happy Relationship!

How is it that many people expend tons of energy to find their “Soul-Mate” and then, once they do their focus changes? Have you noticed this too?

People stop putting energy into the relationship they had previously spent years dreaming about. Perhaps there have been disappointments; perhaps there have been expectations that were not met. Slowly, quietly and often unconsciously the relationship begins to drift apart. Although this is not true in all relationships, it is a common occurrence that can easily be shifted.

If, when people become a couple, they are willing to stay conscious and continue to put at least 50% of their energy into their relationship; they will be more likely to feel and express the appreciation that they dreamed about when they were single. When people feel appreciated they are less likely to hold resentments, anger and negative thoughts. Just notice how you feel when you are appreciated as opposed to criticized!