Tag: expectations

RELIEVING LONELINESS THROUGH CONNECTION

 

Feeling lonely & being alone are polar opposites. Spending time alone affords you enormous benefits like the opportunity to contemplate, sort through thoughts, & calm your mind from the daily barrage of stimuli, which in turn settles the nervous system. Loneliness involves a sense of isolation regardless if there are hundreds of people around you. Think the tips below can be helpful to someone else? Pass it along!

Try out these six techniques & discover how to feel less alone

  • LOG OFF & TUNE OUT – Get out of the house & see people face to face rather than on Facebook or Instagram. Studies show that too many hours on our computers & phones are detrimental to our mental & physical health, if not tempered with real-time contact with others. So next time you go for a walk, turn your phone off & notice all that is swirling around you. Get out of your head & dive in with your five senses. Refresh your ability to feel alive & notice the people around you.

 

  • TALK TO PEOPLE – Yes, that means strangers as well. You’d surprised how many other people feel as much as you do. Take a risk & say hello to the woman at the park who is also alone with her kids in the morning. When taking public transit, strike up a conversation. I’ve met incredible people with inspiring stories while riding the subway. Had I been on my phone, I would have never made the connection. When you’re standing in a line at the store, chat with the person behind you, say hello to the cashier. All of these interactions build your sense of community & allows you to feel a part of something. Get to know the names of the people who work at the places you frequent. If the thought of talking to strangers is terrifying, a simple hello with a smile will erode awkwardness over time & leave you feeling less bashful.

 

  • GET TO KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS – This may be a real tough one for many, but studies have suggested, getting to know people in your immediate community provides a feeling of safety * can bring new friendships as well. Rather than running in the house double-locking the door and shutting the blinds, take time to say hi to the guy next door or the woman across the street. Before long, you will be enjoying a newfound sense of community. Getting to know even the annoying neighbors, may pave the way for negotiations.

 

  • CALL PEOPLE & MAKE PLANS – Be an instigator for getting together even if it’s simply for coffee or a glass of wine. Rather than feeling lonely, reach out to people & perhaps invite them over or suggest doing something together. Go on a hike or walk or anything that builds a connection with the other person. Adopt more of a dolce vita attitude, in other words, live as if you’re in Italy where there are no to-go cups. Take time to indulge your relationships, they’re as important to living a healthy life as breathing clean air. It’s not a waste of time to sit with a friend & simply catch up or indulge in conversation. Just like a job, you want to invest time into relationships to make them fulfilling.

 

  • BE HONEST WITH OTHERS – Let people know when you’re feeling lonely. You’d be shocked at how many are right there with you!  Drag your loneliness into the light of day & talk about it openly. Many of us feel lonely at different stages of life. Perhaps you’re a new mother & on maternity leave. Your partner & friends are at work all day so you begin to feel isolated. Be honest with yourself & seek other women in the same boat. If you just moved to a different country or state or switched jobs, take the time to introduce yourself & explain that you’re new. Begin to see where you can fit in, chat with co-workers ask about local spots that deserve checking out. Over time, you’ll build mutual camaraderie. Whenever we’re honest about our emotions, we sow the seeds of sincere relationships that leave you with a true confidant as well as a friend.

 

  • GET INVOLVED – Join a group of moms & kids at the park for playdates or even a political cause or enroll in an Improv class. Look to your interests as a source for finding meaningful relationships. Maybe you’re seeking spiritual insight, search for a church, synagogue or temple that speaks your spiritual language. Investigate how you can become involved. Volunteering is another excellent way to make lasting connections by surrounding yourself with others who are also passionate about the same issue.

 

Implement a few of these suggestions to reduce feelings of loneliness & begin to give yourself the gift of connecting with others—you deserve it!

 


FINDING GRATITUDE UNDER EVERY NOOK & CRANNY

 

 

With Thanksgiving nipping at our heels, it’s a natural time of year to take stock of all we can be thankful for. When you appreciate the little things in life, a profound transformation occurs that can lift you out of the doldrums & help you to find more profound pleasure & meaning in your life.

In modern society, we’re bombarded with ads insisting we need the newest version of a gadget or device, the latest styles, & that more is better. We’ve become a throwaway society, but the good news is, we don’t have to subscribe to that persuasion.  In this newsletter, I highlight a few ways to find gratitude under every nook and cranny of your life.

Set a Positive Tone. Rather than reaching for your phone or computer first thing in the morning, take a few moments to say thank you for the morning itself. Sit up in bed, close your eyes, and breathe. Take a moment to notice the light of dawn or the pitter-patter of rain on the roof.  Perhaps when you get up, you enjoy making a delicious cup of coffee or tea, then sit in a comfy chair & inhale the aroma brewing. If you prefer yoga, do a few sun salutes honoring the gift of a new day. In other words, create a five-minute ritual that kicks your day off with the mantra, “Today, I will be grateful for my life.” After a few days of doing this, you’ll notice a difference, as it begins to set the tone for the rest of your day in a positive light.

Adopt A Less is More Attitude. Replacing the redundant “hole in the bucket,” “nothing is enough” syndrome with the idea that you have all you need is liberating. It affords you more time to take a walk, read a book, or indulge in an activity that costs nothing. Nature is such a giver, & it asks little from us. It provides us with glorious sunsets, the drama of cloud formations, the changing of seasons, & the sounds of waves crashing on the shore. If you begin to re-direct your focus on what you already have, you can let go of the constant need for more. Perhaps de-clutter & give away things you don’t use or need. When we open up the space we live in, we open our minds to clarity & widen our perspectives. If you struggle with clinging to stuff, try packing it away out of sight, knowing it’s not gone forever. With the holiday season on the horizon, practicing less is more can help curb overindulging in fatty foods. It can also help with perspective to gift-giving, maybe try homemade presents or gather without gifts.

Cultivate Simplicity. Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Simplicity is the art of sophistication.” We don’t have to rely on riches to be wealthy. Finding joy in spending time with friends or being content to be alone are both ways to practice gratitude for the small things in life. Breaking bread together or cooking a meal can be a simple task that renders quality, not quantity. By simplifying your day to day routine, you allow yourself more time to let go of stress. Rather than packing each day with more things on the “to do” list, see if you can allow yourself time to just be. Try sitting in silence for a few moments in the middle of the day to tune out demands, real or imagined. We don’t always have to make a profit in order to profit.  Giving value to the small incidentals in our life helps create a sense of contentedness. Rather than filling every moment with work or the need for a result, try carving out time to daydream, to remember fond memories, to call a person you love and say hi or let them know you appreciate them.

Embrace the Difficult Things. Being grateful for the difficult times is probably the biggest challenge we all face. Much like the terrains of the world, life has its peaks & valleys, its ebbs & flows. There are those moments in life that we’re in emotional or pain, & being thankful is as easy as walking across the Sahara without water. Think back to the times in your life that you did pull through & came out stronger. Realizing situations are temporary & there are people to help you through can be a powerful acknowledgment. It’s a commonality we share with others, a bond that lets us know we’re not alone – & for that, let’s be grateful.

As you make choices & plans for these next few months, perhaps keep these thoughts in mind, & you may find yourself having a less stressful, more enjoyable holiday season. Remember to thank yourself as well for the gifts & talents you bring to the world; smile in the discovery of all the positive energy you donate.


The Art of Giving without Attachment

Have you ever done a kind deed simply for the sake of giving without any strings attached or payback considered?  Have you given away something of value to a stranger or given of your time without expecting any financial reward?  These are just a few examples of practicing the art of giving without attachment. What does giving without attachment really mean and why should you cultivate this practice?

The very definition of giving, freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone) has an inherently detached quality. There is an innate sense of letting go, the opposite of hoarding or holding on. But how often is our giving calculated?  Well if I babysit for a friend, she/he will do the same for me.  Giving without any expectation of outcome or praise is tough, but that is the essence of giving without attachment. Giving to grow your heart, to release your grip, to become liberated from that which you hold on to.

How does giving without strings liberate and grow your ability to love and to live a more meaningful life?  It connects you to your humanity, to your empathy, to your ability to see the suffering in others and feel something.  Giving also helps you to step outside your sphere and to connect with others on a visceral level.

Giving without attachment is a wonderful way to help you accept when others give to you.  Often, our childhood dictates a message of receiving that it’s better to give than receive, but if everyone is clamoring to give, who is receiving?  That message sends a negative image that receiving is for the poor, the needy, the weak, and the unsuccessful.  We all have times in our life when we want to receive.  Giving without attachment helps us to receive without feeling guilty or shamed.

Anne Frank, a diarist and one of the most talked about victims of the Holocaust once said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”  It is often difficult in the modern world to remember this.  When you give, it does not have to be a thing or financial, (you can give of your time, your silent presence, a smile) you reap the internal rewards of connection, joy, and self esteem.  Giving builds character and helps you get outside of your own needs and desires and consider others.  When you give freely, you teach yourself a lesson in being unconditional.

Giving without attachment does not mean giving everything away and doing without.  It may entail digging a little deeper than merely skimming off the top. If you only give away your excess, you may want to look at other ways you can give. Become a mentor. Take a friend to lunch, just because or send a card without an occasion. Bake a dinner for a charity event, make an anonymous donation to a cultural or educational organization or slip a bill to a homeless person.

Think of all the people in your life that have given something to you without any expectation.  There are countless ways to pass on that giving tradition, and when you begin to drop the attachments and expected outcomes, you send a ripple of hope into the world, while expanding your ability to be a loving considerate human being.


Making & Keeping Resolutions

As we round the corner to 2017, you may be formulating a list of resolutions, changes you want to implement for your life in the New Year. In January, gyms and yoga studios are stampeded with new clients eager to forge a healthier lifestyle and by February the throngs subside. What is it that stops you from keeping promises to yourself? Are there tools that can help you swap out a bad habit for a more life affirming one? The answer is a resounding yes! Let’s take a look at a few ideas that may help you stay on course to keeping resolutions.

Abraham Lincoln was once quoted as saying; “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.”  In other words, don’t be deterred by the road bumps. When the excitement of creating the resolutions fades and you have to face the day-to-day commitment, think about the idea of succeeding rather than the tasks. Each small step towards achieving your goals is a leap in the fulfillment of your personal promises to yourself.

Examine areas in your life you want to change. Are you unhappy in a relationship, are you harboring resentments for choosing the path you are on? Clearly identify what it is in your life that you want to change. Explore with yourself if it is spiritual, emotional, or physical as the more specific you are the easier it is to follow through. Imagine a person presenting a business plan to you without explaining how to get from point A to B to C: their message will be muddled and unclear. Specificity allows us to better create steps that will carry us closer to our success. If being a writer is your goal, important first steps are defining what kind of writing fiction or non-fiction and whom your target audience will be. The more you hone in on the particulars, the easier it is achieve your goal.

Remember the Chinese proverb that to climb a mountain you take one step at a time. Set reasonable resolutions that you can reinforce with positive incremental achievements. Create measurable ways to reward yourself for the small goals you attain along the way. Think back to all of the accomplishments in your life, most of them happened over time. Be patient with yourself and keep moving along in the desired direction. Before you know it, you’ll be at the top of the mountain relishing your successes!snowflake57th_edited-2-1 

Try to keep your resolution list limited in order to ensure success. Many times in our quest for positive change we pile unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Set realistic timelines for yourself. For example if one of your resolutions is to find a new job, you may start by establishing a set date to complete or revise your resume. The next step may be to increase your contacts by joining affiliations or groups that have a common interest.

Often when one year ends and another begins, we reflect back on the positives as well as the challenges. All of these experiences leave us better prepared to move forward. The New Year symbolically lets us wipe the slate clean and begin anew with verve and renewed hope. These simple suggestions give you concrete ways to make and keep those 2017 resolutions. May the New Year bring you joy and happiness!
 

 

 

 


How to Shift Your Unconscious Beliefs and Create the Life You Want

redwoodsLife is hard. I should have achieved more by this time in my life. People will take advantage of me if I let them. I can’t do anything right. Are any of these thoughts yours? If so, and you find them coming up regularly, it’s possible you have beliefs that are sabotaging your efforts to create the life you desire. Often, we aren’t aware of these beliefs because they have been our “truths” from a very young age.

The good news is that we have the ability to change those beliefs that are undermining our goals and dreams. The first step is to identify them.

Call to mind (or better yet, write down) your thoughts regarding money, spirituality, relationships, career, and family. This will allow you to uncover your core beliefs. Although you may not remember when or how you adopted these beliefs—which most often happen in childhood—the important thing is to gain awareness of what they are. Once you have, you can determine if these beliefs are supportive or sabotaging.

Let’s say one of your beliefs about career is that the only way to advance or get the position you want is by working very hard and working long hours. It doesn’t seem like a self-sabotaging belief; in fact, it seems like a noble one! However, if this is the only way you believe you can achieve the ultimate job, can you see how this “truth” might set you up for either burnout or the inability to reach your career goals? Instead, what if your belief was that you have a successful career when you are passionate about what you do? The focus shifts from expecting hardship and inconvenience to that of fulfillment and gratification from what you do. If you are passionate about your job, you will put in the effort and time required, and although the work may still end up being challenging and time-intensive, you will experience more enjoyment, satisfaction, and positive results.

Think about your perception of the world around you. What are your thoughts when something doesn’t go your way? Is it this? “Life is unfair. Nothing ever works out for me.” What if it you shifted your thoughts to this? “Life is an adventure, it is interesting. It has its ups and downs and I choose to learn and grow from both. I am fascinated with being able to see and experience all that is happening.” 

You can choose how you interpret what you see and experience, and you can manage your expectations of life. You can focus on the positive or negative in life. Wherever you place your focus, it feeds and grows. Concentrating upon the positive doesn’t mean ignoring the negative but rather dealing with it in a positive, constructive way. Will you choose to see the world for its good or will you choose to see the negative?

Identify beliefs that do not serve you, and then either let them go and adopt new beliefs, or reframe negative beliefs into supportive ones. Doing this important exercise will help you achieve the life you dream of and would like to create for yourself.

 


How do I get close without getting lost while in a committed relationship?

Ever wonder how to know if you are being intrusive? It is much easier to get when someone else is being intrusive. Sometimes that can be confusing as well.

When we are in a committed relationship our confusion with boundaries becomes most evident. It can be quite confusing. Is it okay if I tell my partner what I think? Will I be invading their space? How come I get upset when my partner tells me what he/she thinks? If I want something done a certain way am I invading my partner’s boundaries? These questions can go on and on. Understanding our own boundaries is quite complex and worth the effort.

I have noticed that all working relationships have some degree of haze surrounding the boundaries of the persons within it. Relationships are alive and the people in them often overlap in order to achieve comfortable levels of intimacy. Relationships take on a life of their own separate and apart from the I or the you.

The question many of us ask, is how can I tell if I am getting lost within the life of my relationship? And yet some of us do keep our sense of self and do not get lost in the forest of our relationship. While others forget to leave breadcrumbs when they go into a relationship and so they get lost.

What prevents us from maintaining our identity in a relationship? Perhaps we did not have a clear sense of self when we went into a relationship and so the relationship became whom we are. It is possible to lose your sense of self-while in relationship if you are trying to accommodate the other person.

It may be time for you to look for your I.

In all relationships there is some melding of identity. Understanding and knowing your own boundaries will allow you to know yourself and who your partner is with clarity.


Peace, Happiness, You, I, Us…

The elusive desire for happiness often leads to consuming as much as possible. To have the biggest house, not just one but as many as we can afford to buy and furnish. To have the most expensive cars, clothing jewelry. We often think that the more we own, the bigger it is, the more expensive it is, the happier we will be. So why then are so many people, who have all that they thought they wanted unhappy? We thought if only we had one more room on our house or just one more bathroom, everything would be great. If only I earned a little more money? Perhaps if I lived in another city or country?

The void that we as humans feel cannot be filled by ‘things’. As corny as it sounds and it does to some degree sound corny to me, John Lennon, Rumi and many others may have been correct in that love is the answer.

We strive to be the best at everything and pass this down to our children. While pregnant, before our potential children have taken their 1st breath, we are competing for them to be in the best pre-schools. To be the best, to own the most, and still those that do, are not happy. So what are we doing wrong?

Rumi the 13th century poet said: “There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled. There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you?”

The void is part of who we as humans are. What I come across over and over again are people who are in search of meaning. Wishing to understand one’s purpose on earth; to achieve something that will make us think we have fulfilled a purpose. To fill the emptiness of not knowing, not understanding so much about how we came to be here and why, we turn to religions, consuming, gambling, drugs, over-eating; all in an attempt to fill the void of our not ‘knowing’ how to just be. To breathe in and smile with the exhale, to live in a house that serves our needs rather than our ego’s, with an Eco-friendly car.

Allowing ourselves to stop feeling and acting greedy, to live with what we actually need rather than feeding our ego’s and the illusion that we can fill the void by consuming. The void can only be filled with love. By letting go of greed we will and can develop compassion and empathy for others. That homeless person on the street, whom we just drove or walked by; perhaps we can share with him/her a bit of our abundance. To share, to think in terms of the ‘us’ rather than the ‘I’. Carl Jung, speaks of the collective unconscious and many people believe this happens after one dies. I think it can happen while we are alive…it is about the ‘us’. Peace within and without is possible when we fill the void with love.


Growing an Intimate Relationship

Are you married now? Have you thought about being married? Do you ever wonder how you can have a lasting marriage? Do you want to re-marry but are unsure it’s right?

Think about how much work you put into preparing for a career. Weddings as well often take a large amount of planning and preparation. Think about what happens after the honeymoon, though. Have you simply planned your wedding, or have you prepared for your future? Isn’t it interesting that when it comes to your marriage, preparation is often not part of the picture.

Preparation and education are vital to a lasting marriage. Here are some important steps to explore and share with your partner before and after your wedding:

Increasing Intimacy

  • Understand your own values, qualities. Explore each other’s values and qualities, such as truthfulness, trustworthiness, integrity etc.
  • Be responsible for your words and actions. Communicate clearly and often with each other. This will help you develop great communication skills which are vital to a happy marriage.
  • Develop a deep and caring friendship with your partner. Learn each other’s likes and dislikes, such as foods, entertainment, sports, recreation etc. Know that it is okay that not every interest includes both partners.
  • Ask yourself if you have the ability to be a compatible and harmonious couple. Can you laugh at yourself and each other’s foibles or quirks?
  • Consider if you both have the same values around family. Communicate your expectations. Do you want to build connections with each other’s family? Do you want to have children together? Discuss this in advance and decide a strategy.
  • Explore and discuss how you will manage money. Many couples do not discuss this and later have challenges around how to spend, how to save, etc. If you work this out in advance you will be true friends and your marriage can be a happy one. Money is the #1 reason for arguments in a marriage.
  • What are your sex role expectations? Become clear about them and communicate them to your partner.
  • As you establish a strong spiritual and emotional bond, the happier your marriage will be. By communicating clearly you will feel heard and understood and your relationship will grow.

How To Have A Happy Relationship!

How is it that many people expend tons of energy to find their “Soul-Mate” and then, once they do their focus changes? Have you noticed this too?

People stop putting energy into the relationship they had previously spent years dreaming about. Perhaps there have been disappointments; perhaps there have been expectations that were not met. Slowly, quietly and often unconsciously the relationship begins to drift apart. Although this is not true in all relationships, it is a common occurrence that can easily be shifted.

If, when people become a couple, they are willing to stay conscious and continue to put at least 50% of their energy into their relationship; they will be more likely to feel and express the appreciation that they dreamed about when they were single. When people feel appreciated they are less likely to hold resentments, anger and negative thoughts. Just notice how you feel when you are appreciated as opposed to criticized!