Tag: Advice

Satisfying Sexual Relationships: How to Make them Work

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A satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of intimacy, which is what most people are actually looking for when they use the term chemistry. A first date is just an introduction to a person’s immediate personality— take them at face value. If you’re interested in what they have to say and feel respected and comfortable, that’s an important and positive first step. 

Think of the situation reflexively, wouldn’t you want someone to give you a few opportunities to make a good impression? Nervousness, self-consciousness, and other self-sabotaging scenarios can hinder what may be an underlying connection—if you’re comfortable, give the date another chance.

It’s important to note, how much chemistry you feel on a first date will not in any way determine what kind of sexual relationship you will have in a long-term relationship with a partner. In order to want to have sex with a man, you will want to feel a chemistry or attraction, however just because you do not feel it right away, it doesn’t mean it won’t develop over time turning into a great relationship.

If you’re not feeling a spark after the first date, but still share similar interests and values to your own, try a six date rule. If you’re still not feeling connected, it’s probably time to move on. For many women, chemistry grows as they get to know a person. As the connection progresses, you may find yourself swayed from the initial uncertainty, feeling a deeper desire for this individual.

There will always be personal differences and desires in our sexual relationship; the key is to find the balance. Remember that people, both men and women, have different sex drives. It’s important to have open communication with your partner to best serve both your individual and collective needs. As you begin to experience a strong sexual connection, the chemistry you feel will begin to flourish and help to create a long healthy relationship. 

The honeymoon phase, which spans from anywhere from six months to one and a half years, will feel full and exciting. After that point, sex for most couples slows down but the chemistry will remain. Allow yourself to be open and communicative from the beginning, that will help to create a solid foundation of understanding.

Lastly, before you continue down the path of dating, it’s imperative to make sure you have a good sense of self. Know what you’re looking for, what your boundaries are and what you bring to the table. Happiness begins internally—understanding who you are and what you want long-term will help you attract Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. 


Making Peace with Uncertainty

Recently, Pema Chödrön posted an excerpt to her Facebook page from Three Methods for Working with Uncertainty, in Shambhala Sun, March 1997.

Although the article itself is nearly two decades old, it’s advice that is remarkably relevant for the digital age. Today, in a world so full of ever-present distractions, we lose some of our ability to be critical thinkers. Our brains aren’t conditioned to work through problems as they once were— our smartphones and gadgets tell us “Why think when there’s ‘An app for that’?”

Awakened to that idea, it takes a reality check; a look back into insight from the not-so-distant, but much-more-digitally-disconnected past, to pique our interest into tuning into ourselves and tuning out some of the noise and distraction in our everyday experience.

In the excerpt, Pema highlights three key ideas— her methods for working with uncertainty:

  • No More Struggle: “Whatever happens, we can look at it with a nonjudgmental attitude.”
  • Using Poison as Medicine: “When suffering arises, we breathe it in for everybody.”
  • Regarding Whatever Arises as Awakened Energy: “This reverses our habitual pattern of trying to prove that pain is a mistake that would not exist in our lives if only we did the right things.”

From those ideas what lessons can we pull from the principles she addressed and put into practice in our own lives? Here are some thoughts on how to incorporate the core concepts into some mindful meditations:

1. See things as they really are; not how you perceive them to be.

This is the ‘no more struggle’ part. It’s important to note, that the ‘heart of our minds’ are non-biased— in addition, life ebbs and flows, independently and continuously. Pema explains this as, “things dissolving forever and ever.” When we learn to live in the present moment, we experience everything as it truly is. When we’re being judgmental towards ourselves, we’re not allowing ourselves the opportunity to learn from mistakes. To experience how challenges help us grow. Find the ‘silver lining’ in each obstacle, and focus on creating the best moment you can. Be present and peaceful.

2. Use your pain to build compassion for others.

Pema address this as ‘using poison as medicine’. Each one of us has the opportunity to turn our own suffering into empathy— for both those who understand our struggle personally and those who have a different affliction. The post notes, “This poison is not just our personal misfortune. It’s our kinship with all living things, the seed of compassion and openness.” To find this true compassion, we must, first, not be fearful of it. We’re conditioned to push pain away instead of walking through it; the more we embrace each other and learn to accept our lives, flaws and all, the better we feel about ourselves and our relationships within the world around us.

3. Allow the Universe to awaken your soul.

This is explained as the reverse of our “habitual pattern of trying to avoid conflict, trying to smooth things out, trying to prove that pain is a mistake that would not exist in our lives if only we did the right things.” This, too, is about walking through pain. Pema notes that we can’t reach enlightenment until we’ve “walked through our charnel ground.” Meaning, we’ve got to let it all burn down around us into nothing, sometimes, to see that ‘nothing’ may very well be everything. We know that whatever brings us the most suffering always feels insurmountable. However, when we learn that life is not about ‘doing the right things,’ or ‘staying away from conflict’ to avoid this, but instead, learning to accept our journey as our own, unique, individualized path— that, like any road, has beauty, bumps, surprises, scares and tight turns along the way— is a gift. And the bright side? What an incredible adventure!  

Now, take these meditations and find a quiet moment. Indulge the silence of your inner mind and experience that space where you feel less judgmental towards yourself and others. Allow peace, perspective and compassion to fill you— then go out and spread your light and love!


Are You Limiting Yourself?

What you choose to believe will dictate many facets of your life. Society has a lot to say to us, about us. It likes to tell us we’re too small to make a difference in the world or we don’t have what it takes to be what we want to be. And you know what? Many of us believe these societal lies – and once we believe something, it becomes a part of who we are; it is grafted into the patterns of our thinking.

What are your beliefs about yourself?

In this blog post, I’d like to identify some common, restrictive beliefs and show you how to go from limited to limitless. Let’s get started…

Restrictive Belief #1 – ‘I’m too small to make a difference in this world.’

While it is true that you are just one person, when you believe that you do not have the power within yourself to positively impact the world around you, you become a carrier of negative energy – in other words, you become limited. Limiting yourself in this way leaves no room for abundant thinking.

APPLICATION- Want to kick start abundance in your own mind?:

Begin with gratitude. Think gratefully of the positive qualities you do possess: ‘I’m thoughtful, empathetic, smart, educated, strong…etc, and I’m thankful for these attributes.’ Through this exercise, you will have opened the door to making a difference, and your possibilities will become limitless.

Restrictive Belief #2 – ‘I’m not courageous enough.’

Nelson Mandela once said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Okay, so you’re afraid to do something. Maybe you’re trying to overcome your fear of switching careers or starting a family.

APPLICATION- Want to overcome your fear?:

Acknowledge it. Look it straight in the eye and don’t be the first to look away. You see, once you sit with whatever it is that causes you to be afraid, that thing becomes less scary, less powerful. Through this exercise, you will become the victor, and in Mandela’s wise words, you will “triumph over it.”

Restrictive Belief #3 – ‘I don’t have enough time in a day.’

Time is a funny thing in that when we’re experiencing hardship, it seems to go on forever, yet when we’re having fun, time flies by. Rarely does it feel like we have just the right amount of time to accomplish everything on our to do list.

APPLICATION- Want to feel like you have enough time?:

Create it. Don’t let your looming deadlines and the ticking of the clock dictate your daily life; instead, rise an hour earlier and get ahead. You may even find incredible rejuvenation in rising early to experience some well-deserved quiet time. Take the reigns and set your own rules. Remember, you’re the one wearing the watch; it’s not wearing you!

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Take a few moments to ask yourself what you believe. You might be surprised to see what comes up. Open yourself to a limitless mindset and let abundance flow in.