Tag: sex

Let People Know You Love Them

The old saying, “actions speak louder than words,” holds true when it comes to expressing the love we feel for others. This behavior may come easy to you, or you may struggle with showing your love, & if that’s the case, you’re not alone.

Previous traumas, relationship experiences, & past patterns of how love was modeled to you as a child, all play a role in how you express love to those you care for. The good news is, by actively showing love, you’ll receive it back in ways you never expected.

Rather than focusing on how much you are loved, shift your awareness to how much you express love. It’s not to say that you neglect yourself. Instead, it’s like looking at the glass half full or half empty. Try looking at the ways people express their love to you.

  • Kind words
  • Patience when you’re frustrated
  • Listening when you’re happy or sad

In other words, they are there for you. Use these examples to express your love back to them, then try cultivating an appreciation for the little things instead of expecting grandiose gifts as a token of someone’s love. Not that presents are inherently loving or unloving; they’re merely objects, that over time, fade or lose their appeal. Sincere appreciation provides fond memories & strength.

Express your love. Let loved ones know you’re thinking about them, not just on special occasions.

  • Text, write a letter or send a card
  • Call simply to tell them you miss them or love them
  • Let them know you hope their day is going well

It’s thoughtful things like these that reassure the people you care about that you love them. If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage

  • Buy a random card
  • Cook a dinner complete with candlelight
  • Take the kids for an afternoon so your partner can have some needed alone time

Take time to think of the needs of those you love. This doesn’t mean you can fulfill their every whim or desire. Show your concern for them without it being unhealthy, manipulative, or co-dependent.

Ask them about their day, their desires, their pain, their passions, & then sit back & listen. A big part of expressing love is listening to your beloved. Think of how you feel when you’re not heard. You may feel neglected, ignored, or even unimportant. These aren’t positive feelings that nurture a loving relationship. When you listen with your heart, you begin to understand more fully. Ask what you can do to help. More than likely, knowing that you’re there to support through active listening is enough.

If you have a concern or hurt feeling, express yourself. Bottling up your emotions will only lead to resentment, which won’t help. If you’re fearful about something, be honest, let go of your pride, & don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. When you’re transparent with your emotions, you’re showing the person you love that you trust them with your whole heart & it’s a powerful example that your loved one can reciprocate, letting go of pretenses & being real. This is fertile ground for growing love.
Let your loved one know when you miss them, whether it’s physical yearn or something more ethereal. Maybe one of you has been traveling for work, or you live apart from each other. Perhaps you miss laughing with them, or riding bikes together or having sex, let them know what it is you miss & not in an accusatory way. Simply say, I miss …

Tell people you love & you’re grateful for them. Whether they’re a sibling, a parent, or a lover, let them know you appreciate them & why.

 


Satisfying Sexual Relationships: How to Make them Work

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A satisfying sexual relationship is an important part of intimacy, which is what most people are actually looking for when they use the term chemistry. A first date is just an introduction to a person’s immediate personality— take them at face value. If you’re interested in what they have to say and feel respected and comfortable, that’s an important and positive first step. 

Think of the situation reflexively, wouldn’t you want someone to give you a few opportunities to make a good impression? Nervousness, self-consciousness, and other self-sabotaging scenarios can hinder what may be an underlying connection—if you’re comfortable, give the date another chance.

It’s important to note, how much chemistry you feel on a first date will not in any way determine what kind of sexual relationship you will have in a long-term relationship with a partner. In order to want to have sex with a man, you will want to feel a chemistry or attraction, however just because you do not feel it right away, it doesn’t mean it won’t develop over time turning into a great relationship.

If you’re not feeling a spark after the first date, but still share similar interests and values to your own, try a six date rule. If you’re still not feeling connected, it’s probably time to move on. For many women, chemistry grows as they get to know a person. As the connection progresses, you may find yourself swayed from the initial uncertainty, feeling a deeper desire for this individual.

There will always be personal differences and desires in our sexual relationship; the key is to find the balance. Remember that people, both men and women, have different sex drives. It’s important to have open communication with your partner to best serve both your individual and collective needs. As you begin to experience a strong sexual connection, the chemistry you feel will begin to flourish and help to create a long healthy relationship. 

The honeymoon phase, which spans from anywhere from six months to one and a half years, will feel full and exciting. After that point, sex for most couples slows down but the chemistry will remain. Allow yourself to be open and communicative from the beginning, that will help to create a solid foundation of understanding.

Lastly, before you continue down the path of dating, it’s imperative to make sure you have a good sense of self. Know what you’re looking for, what your boundaries are and what you bring to the table. Happiness begins internally—understanding who you are and what you want long-term will help you attract Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. 


Movies, Sex & You

Sex in Relationships is different than it is depicted on T.V. and movies. Seduction and erotic encounters in the media look so good because they are choreographed, written by and acted out by professionals. The goal is to look good and convey an emotion or impression to the viewer. They are relating to and for the camera.

The hot passionate romance/sex scenes that we see are the result of many takes, specialized lighting and makeup. Our favorite actors are indeed acting. They have a crowd of people around them, cameras and lights in their faces and other places! Consider if you would be able to have hot passionate sex with camera people, directors, producers and who knows how many other people watching, recording and telling you what to do. Well maybe some of you could.

What is most important here is that I am noticing that in my practice I am getting more and more couples of all ages where one or both of the people believe they are not having great sex because it is not ‘like’ what they see on TV or their favorite movie.

When we compare our experiences with the memory of what we have watched we are bound to be disappointed. When I ask if they enjoy sex with each other, most will say they do and some will say they love sex with their partner but think it ‘should’ be more passionate like on television. What do you think?


Emotional Infidelity – What is it? Is it in YOUR Life?

Many people think that infidelity is only sexual. The #1 form of infidelity is Emotional Infidelity. It usually stems out of feeling that something is missing in your relationship. You may feel disconnected from your partner. What is best is to talk to your partner about feeling disconnected. If you cannot talk to your partner than seek the help of a couples/marriage counselor.

How do you know if you are emotionally cheating?

  • Ask yourself: If my partner were sitting next to me would I be uncomfortable doing this? If your answer is yes, it is a clue for you.
  • You flirt with him/her.
  • Perhaps you dress in a way that might attract the person’s attention.
  • When something happens in your life you share it with her/him rather than your partner.
  • You feel excited when you see the person and look forward to seeing them more than you do your partner.
  • You have relationship fantasies about that person.
  • You find yourself sharing problems you are having at home with that person, rather than your partner.

I recall a man I worked with who was so proud that he had not had sex with his female work friend until after he and his wife had separated. He had been receiving emotional support from his work friend for over 1 year and this is what led to his wife leaving him. He had no idea that he had been emotionally unfaithful in his marriage. Nor did he get that he was cheating on his wife.

Emotional Infidelity is quite common and very difficult for couples to fully address on their own as often the partner that is cheating does not know he/she is cheating.


One Story of Infidelity

  • Any similarity to you or someone you know is just that a similarity. So many people have similar stories.

About two years ago I began working with a couple that began marriage counseling, believing that they would get a divorce. At the point they came to me, their relationship seemed to be based upon a bond of hostility. They consistently argued angrily as their main form of communication. Both said that they loved each other very much after 19 year of marriage; which let me know that there was hope for this couple.

What led them to reach out for my assistance was that the husband (we will call him Peter), confessed to his wife, (we will call her Robin), that he had been having an affair for over 16 months. At first Peter was only aware of feeling shame and Robin was only aware of feeling hurt and anger. Robin, as you can imagine, felt a gamut of emotions, rage, anger, hurt, shame, and confusion to name just a few. Peter, as we became more involved in the work, also began to feel a whirlwind of emotions, anger, confusion, resentment, hurt and shame.

As time passed and we worked on their communication, forgiveness and reconnecting, Peter began to feel quite resentful and impatient that Robin seemed unable to forgive him faster. Both Robin and Peter had the tendency to blame the other for the affair as well as anything that they did not like in the relationship. It took much hard work for them to reach the place where they could truly hear each other without wanting to prove that their version of the truth was correct for all. Once this occurred the couple began to move towards re-connecting and the work of regaining trust within their relationship.

As they moved forward, Robin and Peter began to laugh with each other in my presence as well as report back to me that they were having fun together again and having “hot” sex.

They both shared in a session that they now believed they could and would reach their goal of rebuilding their relationship. It took several more months of intensive marriage counseling for Peter and Robin to reach the place they are now. Robin no longer blames Peter for ‘the affair’. She understands her part in the weakening of the marriage and is willing to forgive Peter. She has also regained a high level of trust in him and for their marriage’s continued growth. Peter no longer feels shame and understands his motivations, actions and the consequences of them. They have come a long way from the couple that came to me thinking that they would get a divorce.